some thoughts on being a walking freak.
I think I first considered it a possibility when I saw AngryBaker do it. Then of course there was Natalie Portman!
I had gone short before and loved the feeling. A friend posted an old photo of me on fb that I had not seen before and I loved the look (well, not the butterfly clips so much but the colour, the length).
But those were just ideas, encouragements. The real impetus?
I became aware recently that I have an innocent and vulnerable look. I speak with a smile and I have a mild lisp. I blush easily and am naturally (?) shy. When I started going out again to pubs and clubs I soon became aware of just how vulnerable I appear. It was a little scary; as well as annoying. I know that I have moxy and I really wanted other people to see it, not just after getting to know me but straight away.
I also wanted to know how I would handle being out in the world with no hair. I have hidden behind a beautiful mass of curls for so long; have received endless comments as to its attractiveness. But I want people to see me. If I 'uglify' myself how would people respond to that? I don't want to be my hair or my breasts or my face or my ass!
People certainly see me now. I have been getting very good service at stores etc. People fucking pay attention! Yes, people liked my long hair but they can't help but look at my mohawk and then (possibly out of guilt over staring) address me and attend to my requests straight away. I like that very much. I was starting to feel a bit invisible and now you can't help but see me. Awesome.
The sun is reallllly warm on my head. The wind is reallllly cold. The breeze on my head feels so refreshing. I feel so clean and new. For me it is an outward way of saying how I feel inside. Clean and new :)
I don't have to worry about anyone or anything messing up my hair; it simply cannot be messed up! I noticed this when I was hanging out the washing just now and my head brushed against some clothes and I backed away instinctively to protect 'the do' and then remembered that there was no 'do' to protect. Oh, and trying clothes on in the store, no need to worry about messing the hair up there either!
I have been reaching back to run my hands through my hair forgetting that it's all gone and this morning on the way to the shower I automatically reached back to take my hair thing out. As for showers, they are now a synch. No endless struggles to untangle the mass or even to just get all that hair actually saturated enough to wash!
Plus I am pretty sure that I am making up for all of that teenage rebellion that never came out. In many ways I feel like leaving my religion and accepting the unlikelihood that God exists was the moment I stopped being a child. Except that it wasn't a moment. It did take about a year. And now I see things that I am saying and doing and would describe myself a bit like an adolescent (some people would say it more strongly than that I'm sure!).
Most of all I wanted a tangible way to represent the shedding of so much emotional baggage over the last year or so. It was a way for me to physically feel a sense of release and freedom. This time not from the constraints of a religion but from my own emotional turmoil during the process of leaving. I feel that I have grown a lot in the last year. I feel ready to start reclaiming peace in my life and to begin letting go of the anger that I have felt towards the church.
...
Finally, it was like a dare I gave myself. Could I, would I fucking do it? Yes I fucking would (for explanation of sudden bursts of profanity please see the paragraph above).
I wonder if the world is secretly thinking that a 30-something year old going through adolescence is a little bit sad. So far I think that people are feeling positive about it. The instructor teaching Body Jam before my class today said my hair rocked and that everyone in the UK is doing it... So then, maybe I am just getting back to my pommy roots?!
Hmm, today I was at a shopping centre ('Mall' in American) and had a moment where I thought - "fuck! everyone has hair!"
Then I got over it.
