Shut the Fuck Up!

I'm talking to myself. 

A friend complimented me recently saying that I have an 'open heart'. I like this description and I do want to keep things that way. However, I feel that I need to build some kind of fortifications as well as learn the art of concealment. I tell people waaaaay too much about myself (having a blog kind of adds to that). I really like being open and honest with people but I think that I am being too trusting and naive in thinking that everyone I speak to will treat me well. 

I think part of the problem is that I hate silences, especially on the phone. Ugh, the phone. If the other person is silent for more than a second then I feel compelled to fill in the space; usually with some kind of idiotic blabbering. So I try and avoid the phone. Texting and emailing are my favourite ways to communicate, that is, if it is not possible to speak to someone in person. I am pretty good in person with people that I know. I still suffer from bouts of verbal diarrhea but not as bad as on the phone and certainly not as often. Plus you've got body language and eye contact etc to help you out. Even better is if you can add a third or fourth person to the conversation... takes the pressure off. 

My underdevelopment in this social area has lead to a few problems lately. I have blabbered out information that, whilst I haven't leaked anyone's secrets, I have said more than was wise and I have seen more than a few people hurt by my big mouth over the last few months. Most recently I stuffed up on facebook. I was trying to help out a new friend but in the process I hurt some other friends. If any of my friends from, well... they'll know who they are, read this then I hope you can forgive me and maybe even welcome me back after some time has passed. I need to learn how to keep peoples information safe before I think of returning to that group. It really woke me up though. I was being careless with other people's information and privacy and I couldn't see the danger. Now that's it's all done I can see all too clearly how I stuffed up and I am really annoyed at myself for being so irresponsible and selfish. 

I've been thinking about it a lot today. I can see where I came undone and it is something that Rockstar has pointed out about me before. I get quite incensed over any injustices that I think have occurred and I think I forge ahead; acting on emotion and being blinded by it. Whilst I admire my own courage to stick up for others; I do recognise that I need to take stock of my emotional responses and hopefully harness the courage and 'open-heartedness' for good. 

Now I've probably gone and said too much again. How about a 30-day challenge of silence!