There are a lot of ideas and questions going around in my head about things that used to be settled and now are not. It’s like I started tugging at a loose thread on my shirt and now it is completely unravelling. Soon I’ll be shirtless!
I lost faith in the founder of my lifelong religion. Then I lost my god. Now I wonder… what do I know for sure? anything? Is there anything that I can look to for a sense of groundedness?
I have had to admit that my longing for a happily ever after in the next life may well be a pipe dream. I used to believe that if I continued to be the best Mormon I could be then I would get to spend eternity with my loved ones, creating worlds and spirits, becoming gods ourselves. I used to live every day ‘knowing’ that a kind heavenly being was only a prayer away. Now I have chosen to wake up and smell the coffee. AND… I have to do this alone. No one can hand me the answers. But… I’ll let you hold my hand along the way eh!
Not only do I have to figure out how to rein in my sanity in a world gone to pot (that is – the world as I experience it… as in, I feel like a newborn now that I am on the outside of the Mormon church) but it seems as though I may have to work even harder than I thought to have my opinions accepted. A new realisation that came to me recently is that no matter what I say, people will consider my opinion and weigh it against the fact that I was raised in a rather unusual and restrictive religion.
I guess I am wondering – “When will my opinion count just as much as someone’s who was lucky enough to be raised in a non-religious home?”
What am I talking about you ask? Well, when I had an in-depth discussion recently about monogamy, sex and marriage eventually it came out that the other person in the conversation considered my opinion to be tainted by my previous beliefs. To them my opinion simply did not yet hold enough weight for the world at large because I was still biased.
My basic opinion during the discussion was this:
I no longer believe in saving sex for marriage. I believe that sex ought to be a part of a healthy relationship between two people who love each other BUT I guess my conservative leaning is that I really feel that it serves individuals and society best if we have one sexual partner at a time. Having said that I also believe that people should have the freedom to choose who they have sex with and when they have it without any judgment from others. So I am just explaining my personal thoughts on sex not what I would want to impose upon others. Live and let live you know. Except that, well our choices in life do affect other people…… (think STIs and people not being upfront about that). Still, I cannot abide preaching, ew!
The reason that I have been trying to get my head around what I think is ‘healthy’ is that I have two young children who will be entering teenage-hood before long and I would like to have some idea of what to pass on as motherly (but with a twist of sisterly feel about it) wisdom in this area. I am concerned about STIs …. I am also very much thinking about my children’s emotional health. As a teenager I had a rather unhealthy relationship with sex (probably still do, I still need to post about Mormon sexuality but here is some info to get you started!). I would like to have the emotional and mental clarity to be a good advisor for my children.
I reject Mormonism’s dysfunctional attitude towards sex. But I am also a little afraid of the promiscuity I see in popular culture. Fear is never a good place to work from so I need to gain some further understanding.
In the meantime, is it too much to ask that my opinions be considered mine now and not an off-shoot of the Mormon dogma? I guess I could look into changing my name, moving country and thus hopefully cleansing myself from the stain of Mormonism altogether. Then maybe I could be heard without bias issues… but then I’d have to go incognito here… and well, I really do like some of you ;) And look, I know none of us ever get to be truly free of our past, we ARE all biased and prone to subjectivity, I just wonder whether the Mormon stain may be being perceived (by some) as brighter than it actually is?!
