Yes Ma'am: An Exploration into Mormon Sexuality

(Warning: Parents and parents-in-law are advised that the material in this piece may not be suitable for your memory storage space. With love, M)

A few months after Rockstar and I stopped going to church a couple of young missionaries paid us a visit.  It was about 10am on a Saturday morning, we were both incredibly hung-over from our 10 year anniversary celebrations the night before. We had consumed a bottle of champagne and a bottle of red between us. I know, I know we had no idea what we were doing or what it would do to us but while we were dining at our favourite tapas restaurant we were too happy to care. Back to the 'morning-after' and a couple of doe-eyed Elders was the last thing I expected to see in my bleary state. Rockstar was polite and let them know that we'd left the church and didn't want to have anything to do with it. The Elders seemed to have been somewhat prepared for this response and left pretty quickly, after handshakes and smiles of course.

The Missionary flat that used to be located just down the road from us is no more. I won't presume to say that it is because of us that missionaries no longer live there but I do wonder. I used to see handsome young Elders walking past my house several times a week. Often I'd run into them taking the kids to school, shopping, going to the gym etc etc. The gym trips were the funniest because I'd be in skimpy clothes and I always felt a bit rare talking to missionaries like that but at the same time it was a small kind of thrill to see their obvious responses.

As a good Mormon stay-at-home mum I was often home alone or with small kids when the Elders would come around. One hot day the Elders dropped by (one was particularly handsome and had been very friendly with me during dinner visits at our house). I had been out the back with the kids trying to cool off with some water play and so when I opened the front door I really was not wearing a whole lot. I grabbed a nearby wrap to cover myself a bit more and assumed that the Elders would not stay long. However we spoke for quite a while. In fact the Elder (the one that I said before was attractive) he even made a comment about my figure which, when I think about it now, was pretty outrageous behaviour for a missionary but at the time I really appreciated the feeling that someone saw me as a sexual being.

Rockstar and I had the missionaries over for dinner regularly. We felt like it was our way of saying thanks to all of the generous New Zealanders who fed and cared for Rockstar when he served his mission in Auckland in 1996-1998. Plus we were only a little bit older than the Elders and Sisters so we felt like we were their peers. I really treasure all of the memories that I have of the many big-hearted missionary Elders and Sisters who visited our home... ate with us, played games with us, adored our children, sang with us. Wow, I'm feeling teary thinking about it.



Where has all of this sprung from? I was reminded of an incident recently when a hunky male staff member at one of the gyms I work for winked at me as I handed him my Balance cards just before leaving the club. I was startled by just how much that wink affected me. You see, before he winked at me I had not really paid all that much attention to him but ever since that wink I am just drawn to his maleness whenever I see him. I mentioned this to Rockstar since he has an ego of steel (haha) and then we remembered something that had happened when some missionaries were at our house a few years ago...



We - Rockstar, me, two Elders and our two kids - were playing 'Go Fairy' which is just like 'Go Fish' but with Fairy cards.  I asked one of the Elders "Do you have a rainbow fairy?" and he responded in his American accent (think kinda slow drawl here) "Yes Ma'am" and handed me the card. I summoned all of my strength to reach out and take the card because inside I had just turned to Jelly (or Jell-O for the American Mormons here). Every fantasy I had ever had about a man in uniform just merged into one and there he was sitting in front of me. Seriously, if all social conventions had disappeared at that moment and suddenly all that existed in this world were that Elder and I then Damn! would he have had to look out! For weeks after that I couldn't look at the guy without blushing. It was madness.

The sexual tension of a situation is massively heightened if you are a Mormon. Every glance, every brush of skin (or clothes) sends thrills through the body and paralyses the mind. Pretty exciting stuff really; just like the scene in 'Pride and Prejudice' where Mr. Darcy offers his hand to Elizabeth Bennet as she goes to climb into the carriage and then as he walks away there is a shot of him flexing his hand as though the thrill of their touch is still coursing though him. Being Mormon can be like that. It is hard to be friends with someone of the opposite sex because you are told that you should not ever be alone with a man (or a man alone with a woman) because you might end up having sex with them; the temptation would be too great! apparently. Sooooo, this kind of precludes friendship (or any serious friendship) with someone of the opposite sex.

Sooooo I guess if my local (ex)leaders are reading this then I have hopefully been removed from that black list into complete and utter oblivion. And I would highly recommend that they do because if i find any stray Elders over here you can bet that I will be very charming indeed. I look forward to some daytime chats on my front porch or an evening dinner with my family and ooh, maybe even a game of 'Go Fairy'.  I will probably have to wait until we are living somewhere other than Perth though ...but then I can let the fun and games begin! I'm getting all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

(If you see any pics here that you think I have cropped you out of and you would be happy for me to crop you back in please send me a note and I'd love to expand the view, AngryBaker I'm looking at you!)

Signs of distress

Facebook is like crack to some people - and by some people I mean ME. I have tried to wean myself off it, set time-limits, go cold-turkey but all in vain. At this point I have decided to embrace my addiction and put it to good use. There are so many interesting articles and discussions about sexuality, drug use, mental health etc that I am quite sure I can write it all off as research for my interest in health promotion (more on this at a later date).


Meanwhile fb also provides some interesting insights into how people think and feel. A recent thread on a friends wall explored the topic of pornography. It started out as a discussion about pornographic images on t-shirts and the implications of that for young children. It soon turned into a debate over the perceived perils and/or pros of porn. Veeeery interesting reading. I have copied and pasted the 80 comments (minus names) into a document w/ I will edit further for names in the comments and then add a link here. The thread started on 01 March 2011 and the last comment (so far) was made on the 10th March 2011. What I want to talk about are some of the phrases that stick out to me as common things that Mormons seem to say when they feel attacked. Having read quite a number of ex-Mo friends fb threads I'd say that there seems to be some common themes.


One that really sticks out to me are the statements of 'being done with the conversation'. This sentiment seems to be expressed quite regularly by active Mormons (sometimes more than once by the same person). The ex-Mo's and non-Mo's seem to feel no need to announce their departure.

Anti-Porn Commenter 1 -  "I've stated my views and heard yours, so thankyou everyone, i'm done."

APC1 - (1 comment later) "i need a shower and life beyond this facebook discussion must go on :) please respect that."

APC2 - "I agree _______. I need a shower too."

APC3 - "Anyway people im pretty busy today, so im out. im hanging around my computer... and i really have too many other things to get done. im sure we're not going to sort out this discussion anytime soon, and i already know how i feel and how everyone else feels. Please don't see my leaving the discussion as my opinion having no credability, or back up, but i dont want my day to be filled with conversations or pornography. I hope you all have a nice weekend. :) enjoy"

APC4 - "Anyway clearly there is a massive difference of opinion here so I'm out now, this is getting too personal. I'll agree to disagree and leave it at that."

APC4 - "I agree _______ - this discussion has gone around in a circle so this will be my last post.......(rest of TBM4 comment here).......Anyway that's all from me."

APC5 - "that is all :-)"

Why the need to announce your departure from a conversation? The other commenters (non-Mo's and ex-Mo's) simply took breaks when life got busy and returned to the conversation when they had time for it. Why all the drama? It makes the commenter sound pretty full of themselves IMO. 

______________

The next thing I noticed was a lovely term - 'you people' began to be used as a shorthand for referring to the pro-porn brigade. It was used several times before being questioned by 2 of these 'you people'. The question was ignored until brought up for a third time - "My earlier question - "you people" - what was that about? What kind of person am I?"

The response(s) - 

APC4 - "As for the 'you people' comment, I was merely commenting to a group of people - same as if you would use 'hey guys' as a greeting to a group of people. I didn't mean it as an offense."

APC6 - "Yeah that's what I meant by "you people" too I just couldn't be bothered saying all the pro porn peoples names."

______________

The final thing that I want to point out are the Hi-5's. This time both the pro-porn and anti-porn brigades engaged in this hand slapping but I think you may also note the differences...

Anti-porn Hi-5's (all from anti-porn commenters to anti-porn commenters)

"Great points _____ " 

"________,  I support you 100%!"

"And ________  I thought your comments were friggen fantastic :)"

"I've just read all the above comments and, like _______, _______ I support your opinion 100%."

"Yeaaaah ______ Dawg! Represent! Haha"

"Good comment _______ Dawg!"

"I'd just like to congratulate ________ and the Mum quoted in the above article for the courage and determination they have in striving to make this world a better place." 

 

Pro-Porn Hi-5's (all from pro-porn commenters to pro-porn commenters)

"_________, you write eloquently and with great humanity.

"I'm with _______ and her comments on this one."

Look, having been in that environment myself I know where the (religious) anti-porn party is coming from. It hurts to discuss these things. The mental gymnastics that must be done in order to continue to believe are just HUGE. I personally have a lot of time for the friend who posted the link that sparked the debate. She has had many long and intense discussions with me and I think that she tries really hard to hear everyones view. The other commenters are a little newer to the confrontation and I certainly don't want to throw them under the bus for responding in perfectly natural ways to a discussion that gets to the very core of who they are. I just wanted to analyse the discussion a little and hopefully highlight some of the cultural barriers?? between people who have a set of religious beliefs to up-hold and those who don't.