It's been a while...
I have been stressed. Very stressed. My number one concern is definitely my sons eczema. It is not good. He has severe eczema on his arms, the backs of his knees and now his neck and face. He scratches all the time. In the morning his bed is covered in skin flakes and blood spots. He looks tired and sore. Anything that we put on his skin stings.
I just started writing a lengthy explanation of when the eczema started, how it progressed and how we have been managing it. I then deleted the paragraph. I am trying everything that I can think of to manage the eczema. It is on my mind day and night. I have nightmares about it.
This week the eczema has been improving. I feel hopeful.. but still scared.
..and I know that it is probably my fucking neurosis that is preventing the eczema from going away!!! I need to chill out and be strong for him. I need to get my head together and be his rock again. Poor little guy, I know that little kids look to their mums for love and comfort and stability.. and here I am turning my life upside down and probably making his life just as chaotic.
I did think about my children when I left the church. I wondered what it would do to them.
I don't for one second regret leaving but I do regret thinking that I could manage the process without much help. I am beginning to realise what a major change I have made in my life. I lost my whole belief system in a very short space of time. I also lost friends. I lost god. I lost my childhood innocence, my childhood dreams. I lost my sense of security, my anchor in life.
And it's not like I can get it back. It was a fucking lie!!! Do you get it yet?! They damned well made it all up! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. I was quite happy before all of this thank you very much! You know... when I was deaf, dumb and blind.
Sometimes Mormons (family) ask how things are going since I left the church. I'm tired of telling them that things are good. Things are not fucking good! they are bloody awful. I feel ripped apart. I feel abandoned. I feel angry. I hate the Mormon lies. I hate that I was lied to as a child. I hate the brainwashing. I hate that I didn't get to grow up free to make up my own mind about god and sex and motherhood and..
I've been bottling all this up inside. Why? Still trying to please everyone I suppose.
I hate that I have Mormon friends on facebook who say they still want to be friends with me but then do nothing friendlike! I have hidden their comments for now. I am sick of reading about all of their girls nights out that I used to be invited to and now am not. Fuck! I even got some of them to get out of the house and back into 'time with the girls' in the first place. I think about un-friending them but that feels like a big scary step.
So how's that for a rant.
I thought I was going to be able to figure all of this out in my own sweet time but it would seem that the motherguilt is going to keep kicking my ass until I buck up and say fuck you Mormon church, you cannot take my heart and soul! I want it back you bloodsucking whore.
I believe in love and goodness, family and friends. I am trying to reclaim my soul and to open it up again. I want to invite god back into my heart. Not that bogus Mormon god up in the clouds with white hair and a penis, no, not him. The REAL one, the one that loves everyone and doesn't care about what I wear, what I say, who I marry, what I drink, what I do on Sunday......................
Someone reminded me the other day that god is love.
I love... my son. (&T&P) (&me)