Encounters

I've bumped into just a small handful of Mormons since leaving the church. The Mormon population in Perth, Western Australia is pretty negligible so I can get around without too many unpleasant reminders.

I had one today but I think I will describe another encounter first. It was probably about a year ago. I was late night shopping with a friend when someone grabbed by arm and I was spun around a little by the force of it. I found myself face to face with the Relief Society President (I was one of her counsellors when I left). We each asked and answered those boring greetings and questions "Hello" and "how are you"... quickly followed by "have a nice night" and "good-bye". At the time I had found the encounter to be odd and a little unnecessary. I mean, if she had not grabbed my arm I would have walked right past her and never noticed. The paranoid me thought that maybe she was trying to confront me and make me face her. The more grounded me considered that she had been brave and caring in reaching out. She had seemed a little nervous and I think that I can safely say now that I think this was a positive encounter.

Especially when compared to the next two encounters.

The next one was at the shopping centre again. My daughter was browsing through purses when a member from our old Ward entered the store with a mobile phone to her ear and her face angled away from me. She went straight up to the service counter, took the phone away from her ear and started talking to the sales assistant. Okay, so paranoid me thought this was quite hilarious. It really did look like an elaborate (and woefully unsuccessful) attempt to go unnoticed. We had been browsing there for a while and I figured that this woman had decided she couldn't wait any longer and had to get into the store. Whatever.

Today I arrived at the High School I was going to teach at and the Relief Co-ordinator was showing me around the school. He went up to the ladies at the Library counter to have a little natter and then I realised that one of them was a member from my old Ward. This time I said with a smile "Hey, I know you! Hello _____ ". And she looked at me with expressionless eyes, said nothing and then looked away. LAME!

I'm starting to think that my old Ward really isn't that fond of me. I need a smart remark for next time, anyone got one?

Big Love

I've said this somewhere before but not here.

It is difficult to say which of these responses hurts more:

a.) TBMs who take my 'apostasy' personally and consider me to be the devils plaything.

b.) Ex-Mormons who left when they were young because Mormonism wasn't their thing and who now smirk at my rantings considering me to be some kind of half-wit for getting so distressed over it all.

c.) Never-Mo's who don't know much about Mormonism and thus also wonder why I am making such a  fuss.

So I guess it is no surprise that I take great comfort in:

a.) TBMs who genuinely care about my distress even though at times they feel confronted by me.

b.) Ex-Mormons who are also fighting back against the Mormon culture that urges 'apostates' to "Leave the Church Alone".

c.) Never-Mo's who can really SEE me and my pain and accept my strange cries as necessary outbursts in the process of healing.

Big LOVE to ALL of the people who have supported me as I have whined like a baby, stomped my feet like some creature possessed and cried many tears.

xxx

Putting My Brave Face On

About 2 weeks ago, in an attempt to regain some control over my life, I closed my facebook account and shut down this blog. I had reached a point where I greatly resented the public nature of my journey. If I could change the past I would go back and start this blog as an anonymous venture. The passive-aggressive nature of some facebook interactions and misunderstandings had accumulated and worn me down. And perhaps most of all this blog was beginning to shape me rather me shaping it.

(There was also a very specific catalyst for the shutdowns but I won’t discuss it here).

It is one thing when friends un-friend you on facebook, it is quite another when a family member does it. How on earth does religion trump family? It would seem as though the religion that most likes to present itself as family-friendly has a rather bad track record of keeping families together. All of the focus on the afterlife has blinded people to the needs and feelings of those right in front of them in the here and now! I watched an online friend go through the full gamut of emotions recently resulting in serious consideration of suicide. And we all know about the suicide attempts and actual suicides of LGBT Mormon youth in the States.

It saddens me to be experiencing rejection and unkindness from family. The loss of friendships has also been hard but there have been many beautiful people ready to pop up and take their place; do I have to replace family as well? I guess I am beginning to learn that family is not a right but a privilege and must be earned with love, respect and kindness.

I am blown away by the lack of compassion shown by Mormons. There are some that shine out and do what you’d expect any decent human to do but then there are a disturbing number who refuse to even try to understand an apostate’s pain. The horribly overused label stating that a person has “Left the church but won’t leave the church alone” is one that is sadly so entrenched in Mormon culture and yet it is so hurtful to anyone who is trying to process the enormous changes going on in their life. Think for just a moment of how you might feel if everything you thought was true was turned upside-down and it happened at whirlwind speed and then imagine that the people who you have been closest to for your whole life tell you that you must never speak about this to them, ever. For you to discuss your confusion, feelings of betrayal and hurt, your loss… all of these very real emotions and experiences are rejected by those whom you love and instead you are told that you are mistaken, lost and evil.

Instead of discussion there is ignorance. Instead of love, distance.

And so because I started this journey with my brave real face on I now have to choose whether to ‘disappear’ and regain some peace or move forward in the face of hypocrisy and unkindness and put my name to my thoughts and experiences. I know that by writing these things down I will help someone else who is right now being shunned by their Mormon family and friends. After all of the lessons I heard in church about writing a journal to help my progeny it turns out that the most useful thing I can do with my words is to help people survive the turmoil that can come in the first stages of post-Mormonism.

'Bare Chested Babes on Survivor'

"..their disobedience resulted in unhappiness and tragedy, and their faithfulness resulted in the blessings and happiness of the gospel."

Remember that corker from an earlier post.

When I first left the Mormon church I still believed in God. And sadly, due to the information that I had recently uncovered, my new idea of God was quite an unpleasant one. Thus, when my daughter came down with pneumonia I had some internal struggles to deal with. As I sat with her in hospital waiting for doctors and nurses to do their thing I had plenty of time for negative thoughts to creep in. Try as I might, I could not seem to stop myself thinking that it was my fault that my little girl was sick. I had turned my back on religion and now I was getting my comeuppance (sp?)

At the same time I self-talked myself out of really believing such things BUT the niggling little idea was there, taking little bites at me, parasite!

My little girl recovered quickly. The doctors said that her body was strong, and that rather than the usual hospitalisation she could be cared for at home. Disaster averted!

Another example of 'wigging out' - a few weeks ago Perth suffered somewhat of a monster hail storm. It was fun and bloody scary at the same time. My husband was picking my children up from school at the time and so I was home alone as the deluge came. The thunder roared in my ears, louder each time. The hail flew with fury and abandon. As I witnessed nature raging I felt fear. I tried calling my husband to get news of my family's safety. I couldn't reach them. Again the parasite nibbled and clawed at me... "your fault! apostate! heathen! FOOL!" ... and for a time it seemed that God, the angry one, was teaching me a lesson.

Yet... (of course all the atheists here could have told me the ending of this story before it began, silly confused ex-mormon! ) the skies cleared, as they do. The earth was beautiful in its stillness. Trees had been ripped to shreds, cars pock-marked, windows smashed but the earth felt clean and fresh and lovely. My family returned safely to me, full of exciting tales.

The next day DH got a call, The University of WA had been battered, as had most of Perth... there was a years worth of 'ceilings to be fixed'... thank you angry rain god for our blessing of employment... does that put us in the third category of blessings for the heathens?

And now a word from Brigham Young (second prophet of the Mormon church)

Journal of Discourses 1:83.

I say, rather than that apostates should flourish here, I will unsheath my bowie knife, and conquer or die. Now, you nasty apostates, clear out, or judgment will be put to the line. If you say it is right, raise your hands. [Watt records that all hands went up] Let us call upon the Lord to assist us in this, and every good work.

Read here for more.

My point? must I have one? well... if, IF there is a God, I would like to believe that he/she/they do not serve out punishments when I swear, drink or think sexy thoughts about the bare chested babes on Survivor (male and female ;) ... rather they clink glasses and make thoughtful faces at each other and await my return.