It's been a while...
I have been stressed. Very stressed. My number one concern is definitely my sons eczema. It is not good. He has severe eczema on his arms, the backs of his knees and now his neck and face. He scratches all the time. In the morning his bed is covered in skin flakes and blood spots. He looks tired and sore. Anything that we put on his skin stings.
I just started writing a lengthy explanation of when the eczema started, how it progressed and how we have been managing it. I then deleted the paragraph. I am trying everything that I can think of to manage the eczema. It is on my mind day and night. I have nightmares about it.
This week the eczema has been improving. I feel hopeful.. but still scared.
..and I know that it is probably my fucking neurosis that is preventing the eczema from going away!!! I need to chill out and be strong for him. I need to get my head together and be his rock again. Poor little guy, I know that little kids look to their mums for love and comfort and stability.. and here I am turning my life upside down and probably making his life just as chaotic.
I did think about my children when I left the church. I wondered what it would do to them.
I don't for one second regret leaving but I do regret thinking that I could manage the process without much help. I am beginning to realise what a major change I have made in my life. I lost my whole belief system in a very short space of time. I also lost friends. I lost god. I lost my childhood innocence, my childhood dreams. I lost my sense of security, my anchor in life.
And it's not like I can get it back. It was a fucking lie!!! Do you get it yet?! They damned well made it all up! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. I was quite happy before all of this thank you very much! You know... when I was deaf, dumb and blind.
Sometimes Mormons (family) ask how things are going since I left the church. I'm tired of telling them that things are good. Things are not fucking good! they are bloody awful. I feel ripped apart. I feel abandoned. I feel angry. I hate the Mormon lies. I hate that I was lied to as a child. I hate the brainwashing. I hate that I didn't get to grow up free to make up my own mind about god and sex and motherhood and..
I've been bottling all this up inside. Why? Still trying to please everyone I suppose.
I hate that I have Mormon friends on facebook who say they still want to be friends with me but then do nothing friendlike! I have hidden their comments for now. I am sick of reading about all of their girls nights out that I used to be invited to and now am not. Fuck! I even got some of them to get out of the house and back into 'time with the girls' in the first place. I think about un-friending them but that feels like a big scary step.
So how's that for a rant.
I thought I was going to be able to figure all of this out in my own sweet time but it would seem that the motherguilt is going to keep kicking my ass until I buck up and say fuck you Mormon church, you cannot take my heart and soul! I want it back you bloodsucking whore.
Sheesh!
I believe in love and goodness, family and friends. I am trying to reclaim my soul and to open it up again. I want to invite god back into my heart. Not that bogus Mormon god up in the clouds with white hair and a penis, no, not him. The REAL one, the one that loves everyone and doesn't care about what I wear, what I say, who I marry, what I drink, what I do on Sunday......................
That one.
Someone reminded me the other day that god is love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
I love... my son. (&T&P) (&me)
Maureen, I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. I wish I was there to give you a hug, but a virtual (((hug))) will just have to do. Don’t blame yourself for your son’s eczema, I’m sure it would have been there whether you had left the church or not or been stressed or not. I know (really I do) how easy it is to blame yourself, but sometimes things just happen and there isn’t anyone to blame.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do totally understand your anger with the church. I really don’t know how people can leave and not be angry. It’s hard to not look back and think of how different you would be if you weren’t raised in it. But I guess that since we don’t have a time machine we will just have to look forward and make our lives what we want them to be from here.
As far as your old friends go, I know it’s scary to remove them from FB, but I think you will feel so liberated when you do. Some people are toxic to be around. If they don’t build you up then there is no point in having contact with them.
Good luck with your son’s eczema, I hope it gets better soon. And I hope you can feel better soon too! Take care! XXX
{{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteReal God called. Said he couldn't make it.
ReplyDeleteLots of people around here that love you though. Maybe try some of them?
Thanks people. Thanks for the cyber hugs :)
ReplyDeleteKaleidoscope Girl - we need to get one of those Star Trek 'beaming up' machines so we can visit each other when we wigg out ;)
I usually manage to convince myself that this stuff going on is NOT god punishing me but I have to admit that it creeps into my mind sometimes. Mostly I can win that one. What I struggle with here is that I really do feel (from my own thoughts and what other people have said to me) that my stress levels are impacting on my son's health. We are approaching his eczema from every angle we can think of. One of those angles for me is that for my kids sake I feel that I need to work more on getting myself happy again.
Will let you know if/when I find the moxy to get rid of those toxic 'friends'.
Daniel - I am so glad that I didn't ditch my non-Mormon friends as my patriarchal blessing recommended! When I lost a heap of Mormon friends my non-Mo friends were (and continue to be) invaluable. I have formed/reformed some really great friendships since leaving the church. ..... I guess I'm just more than a little bit concerned that when I gave up on god I think I gave up on hope and optimism too. I know you don't need a god to be hopeful and optimistic but I feel that I would like to believe in fairies I guess. I really lost my taste for religion but I miss feeling connected to the unseen world. This sounds REALLY out there I know. Mostly this is coming from a talk that I had with one of my kids teachers. She said some things about 'god' being everywhere and everything, so not a being, just an essence of some kind. Something along the lines of Avatar. Mother Earth. Something like that. I just feel that there is some kind of energy that I could tap into if I were ready to but I am kind of hesitant. Religion kind of burned my ability to trust a bit.
Anyway, I'm sure that makes little to no sense. I will certainly take your advice though and enjoy my real friends more.
This new post from PZ seems especially fitting.
ReplyDelete- - - - - - - - - - -
Breaking that illusion of a personal tie to one grand elder lord can briefly leave us feeling abandoned and alone and lost, and I can understand how some people find severing that imaginary relationship a horrible prospect.
But here's the wonderful revelation. If you're a well-adjusted person, once you've discarded the unhealthy fictitious relationship with a phantasm, you can look around and notice all those other people who are likewise alone, and you'll realize that we're all alone together. And that means you aren't alone at all — you're among friends. That's the next step in human progress, is getting away from the notion of minions living under a trail boss, and onwards to working as a cooperative community, with no gods and no masters, only autonomous agents free to think and act.
IF you're well-adjusted... I think that's my stumbling block ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm in such a weird spot. I read the above post and it resonated well with me. It's like I can see the sense of atheism at the same time as feeling (probably wishing) that there is something more. The main thing that leads me towards atheism is that I find myself pushing news stories of child abuse, rape etc out of my head because they make no sense to me if there were some reason for our earth life. When I still believed in the Mormon god I was very mad at him when I realised that either he had chosen to allow such atrocities or he simply didn't exist (I acknowledge that there are other possibilities than these two). I said to T that I would rather haven given up my free agency than have god allow children to be hurt. This remains the biggest factor for me not believing in god. I do keep wondering if there is something more than this life but I think I would still have the same problem with why such atrocities had been allowed. How do people live through such things?!!!
I know. It's a rough world out there, my friend. We're surrounded by hostile bacteria and bad animals and some scary people. So we gotta look out for each other! Because, whether he's a guy with beard and penis, or invisible essence, this god being seems spectacularly unconcerned with our welfare.
ReplyDeleteOh Maureen, I know how you feel. Like everyone else has said, I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I wake up every morning with the Mormon church staring me in the face. How I wish I could shake those thoughts.
ReplyDeletePlease be comforted in knowing that your son's condition is not because you left the church. Medical conditions like that happen to everyone, not just those the reject the "Gospel and God's One True Church." I wish I could offer better words of comfort, but know this, you are not alone. We are here for you.
first things first <<>>
ReplyDeleteI am your friend and I am available for venting etc. I have a very absorbent shoulder.
I don't want to be one of those people that hands out unwanted advice but...
I meditate, give myself time-out for 5mins whatever you want to call it.
On the eczema, I remember when my 1st got really bad nappy rash, and I tired everything, and I thought I must be some kind of terrible mother because I couldn' make my child's pain go away. And one ay I took a deep breath and waded into the ruckload of pamphlts they gave me at the hospital. The solution I found was "nappy-free time. Basically, do nothing, no creams, no powders, no medicine, not even a nappy. The severe nappy rash my baby had been suffering on and off for weeks was cured in 2 hours! Now, I'm not saying that eczema and nappy rash are the same, but maybe step back, take a deep breath and give yourself permission to do nothing about it. For an hour, for a morning, for a day. It might be all you need to clear your head and let the solution come to you.
I, and all Mothers around the world feel and share your Mother guilt, and that is why we are here to cry to each other.
xxx
Thanks TGIAA and Bowie. I really do love the support from our online community.
ReplyDeleteYou're quite right Daniel. If there is any kind of being or 'presence' responsible for looking after this world then they are pretty crap at their job. I just wonder if I am neglecting some powerful tool in my life by rejecting the supernatural completely. T and I talked about it some more the other day. We realised that we just don't have (or know) the right terminology anymore for what we are trying to say.
For example, we both agreed that it seems to be possible to heal oneself (or at least improve ones condition) through positive thinking. We (maybe just I) have been wondering if it actually is possible to heal others through what you refer to as faith healers. My dad was given 2 months to live when I was about 10yo. He is now a fit and healthy 60+ yo. He went into applied kinesiology and celectrology (sp?). He changed a lot of things in his life. I became quite open to healers who worked with energy, e.g. talking about our meridian lines and auras etc.
I guess the experiences that I have had with people that tap into the body's energy have been really positive. From there I wonder if there are other forces out there that can be useful to us.
As far as 'god' goes, well religion really put me off that word but I do think that positive energy/thoughts foster more positive energy/thoughts. What I mean is... if I am optimistic and cheerful and hopeful then my kids will be too. I have been quite the opposite lately and I really want to figure out what need to set right inside of me to feel and be those things again.
I know that I am still probably not making much sense... and so I really would appreciate everyones ideas on this.
If you don't know the right word/terminology, why not make a word up? You could have a family meeting on the new word and what it means and how to use it- and if you email it to me, I make you a nice thingy to put in your house to remind you that while you don't call it religion or God anymore, you have it.
ReplyDelete:)
You've escaped a particularly pernicious form of deception, so it would be a shame to get enmeshed in another. I don't believe in supernatural beings or alternative medicine because no one has ever provided good evidence for them. I'm very glad your dad's okay though! I just don't think the crystal wavers had anything to do with it.
ReplyDeleteWhy not take a few minutes and check out the Skeptic's Dictionary? It's a very interesting browse.
http://www.skepdic.com
You could start with 'Supernaturalism'
http://www.skepdic.com/tisuper.html
or 'Alternative Medicine'
http://www.skepdic.com/tialtmed.html
And I love this video from James Randi about kinesiology:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_MzP2MZaOo
This will take more than a few minutes. Thanks for the links. I am so pooped! Can't something be for real... My desperation to heal Canaan's eczema is getting the better of my brain, somebody slap me!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I really appreciate it. You know if you would just give the priesthood a chance they could heal your son. (I am being totally sarcastic and I apologize for starting off that way, but this is what I have to hear all the time) You see, I am in the same boat you are, but my wife is not. About a year and a half ago it all hit the fan with me and my wife would not have anything to do with it. Our 2 year old son was suffering from a staph infection brought on by severe eczema and all the scratching. He was just miserable. My wife was upset that I would not give him a priesthood blessing, so she went to the bishop and it was performed in the priests quorum so all the YM priests could find out what a loser father I was. Anyway, about six months later I decided to start changing my diet a little and tried almond butter as an alternative to peanut butter. My son tried the almond butter and really liked it. Amazing thing happened, his eczema started to clear up. Of course, my wife thanked the priesthood blessing, I attributed it to almonds. So it goes. FWIW. Best of luck to you. I hope you know there are a lot of people in your same boat. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
ReplyDeleteWow, I really needed your comment today. Thanks for sharing your story too! I just had a big cry this morning, the stress kind of boiled over. There really is just so much to wade through when removing religion from your life. Last night while driving home I felt another wave of loss, not because I felt bad for ditching my religion, but because I had actually lost a form of comfort in my life. In the past if things were getting on top of me I would pray and I generally felt better for doing so. Now that I don't believe in god I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do when things get tough. So, I am really glad that this morning I have been able to read about your experiences. It really helps.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine having made this transition without my husband along with me. I have a few friends that are in your position. Again, I observe what it is like in their (your) position and I'm just amazed really. But once you've 'come out of the trance' (as one person recently described to me) there's really no going back.. the spell has been broken. There is no magical being ready to fix all of your problems... we actually have to figure things out.
That's really interesting about the peanut/almond thing. I am taking my son to an allergy specialist today so I am feeling hopeful about learning some useful things today. I also took him to some indoor heated pools yesterday (middle of winter here) after some advice from a friend and then slathered him with a moisturiser and he looks better today. The chlorine is supposed to kill off the bacteria. I'm going to take him swimming every second day. I was worried that the water would sting him but it didn't at all. He and his sister had a great time. It's been such an odd and confusing journey. Things that I have expected to help him have actually stung or made things worse and things that I thought I should steer clear of have actually helped!
Hmm. So, I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up. I know we'll figure this out eventually. Thanks so much for getting online here and leaving your comment. I hope all goes well for you also. Hopefully I'll 'see' you around here some more :D
Yes. Swimming helped out immensely for our son as well. During the summer is a great time to get in on that. The good news is there can be light at the end of the tunnel, right now our son is pretty much totally eczema free. However, our 5 year old daughter still has it pretty bad in her elbow joint and knee joints. She doesn't like almond butter though ;-).
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to what you are saying. Sometimes I also kind of miss the calming affect of prayer. I am trying to learn about meditation as a replacement.
One thing that occurred to me as well is how sad it is that LDS families really don't discuss issues deeply. At least in the families I have known, issues really don't get discussed with any eye of objectivity. It's pretty much that everyone tow the line the church has put out there and there is no discussion beyond that--because being critical is discouraged. Every time I go to my parent's or my in-laws I gear up for an inquisition, but it never comes. People don't want to talk about things that are really so important. I so wish someone would bring up my beliefs because I really want to share, but at the same time I know they just won't get it and will begin the hands over ears and singing lalalalalala thing mentally.
Anyway, thanks for your quick response to my post. I sincerely hope it helped somehow.
I feel like I am right in the thick of it at the moment. I know that I am obsessed but this is one thing where I feel justified in an obsession. If I can help to alleviate his suffering then I don't care how crazy it makes me look.
ReplyDeleteThe last 2 days I kept him home from school partly because I was sick but also because I just felt bad sending him to school looking the way he does. His teachers are great and he loves school and I think the kids are cool about how his skin looks. Somehow I just have trouble feeling ok about sending him when from appearances he looks awful. Anyway, I took him to school today, we were a bit late. He was so happy when he spotted one of his teachers in the playground, he ran over to her, calling out her name and she responded with a great big smile and hug. She said how much she had missed him. She gave me a knowing look when she saw the state of his eczema. It is such a relief to have other caring adults around!
I'm booked in for a massage today. My stress levels have been so high that even though its costly I just need something indulgent for me. Can't wait!
Then we're off to the pools again after school. I'm feeling good about this swimming thing.
DH just said to me last night that since I used to get help from prayer that surely now that I know that it was just me all along that now I could work on positive self talk, meditation (as you also suggested) and feeling grateful for things, imagining the things I desire in my life etc etc. So thanks guys, I will work on that.
Oh boy do I know what you mean about the LDS way of avoiding 'the talk'. I hate that there is this huge change that I have gone through and those of my friends and family who are still LDS WILL NOT talk about it! It feels so fake to avoid any talk of beliefs and such. AND you end up skirting around the issue anyway. Someone will mention something that is related to church or a belief of some kind and then it's like everyone goes tense and everyone knows the reason for the tension but won't talk about it. Sucks!
So there's my quick and concise thoughts for the morning ;O)
It's great having someone to talk to about this who knows how 'it' (by 'it' I mean both LDS issues and Eczema stuff) feels. Have a great day across the other side of the world there :O)