god song

Down.
Up.
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More Energy!

Do you know what the favourite relaxation track is among my Body Balance participants?

It's called One Hundred Thousand Angels. 


... and yeah, it's a nice song but I can't always stomach it.

I've had more than a few mothers ask me the name and artist so that they can download it to play to their kids when they go to sleep. I'm cool with that idea. I think it's nice for kids to imagine lots of angels, fairies or sprites watching over them. I even let myself get carried away with the idea sometimes as I lie there at the end of class. Why not. For me the hundred thousand angels are my loved ones anyway. I imagine their love for me being the 'angels' that are so sweetly sung about in the track.

An atheist's enjoyment of a god song.

Down.
Up.

More Energy!

p.s. vote for my next 30-day challenge idea, top right corner of Black Bikini blog. Ta.

If the prophet had asked me to die for god, would I have done it?

After writing a post last night about some of my thoughts on 9/11 I read some other blog posts that covered the same topic. 10 years later and we are all keenly aware of the significance of the event. However, I think that there are some crucial lessons that still need to be emphasised.

The terrorists acted because of their religious beliefs. Their belief in god and paradise drove them to murder. Throughout history there are many examples of religious fanaticism resulting in the torture and murder of innocent people. To be an atheist has been something that people have necessarily had to keep quiet in order to survive. Today, we can speak out but many still choose to privately disbelieve because there is still plenty of hatred out there. Hatred for opposing religions and hatred for the non-religious.

Would I have been burned as a witch in days gone by? stretched on the rack? been skinned alive? these things and more have been done to brave people who have dared to question religious authority. It may now be relatively safer to be an infidel, at least here in Australia it is, but now we are told to "stay out of it", to "respect faith", to "leave religion alone". All because the questions that we ask are tough. They require people to think for themselves, to step outside of where they feel safe and to take responsibility for their words and actions.

Today I watched some excerpts from September Dawn , a movie based on the events of September 11th 1857 otherwise known as the 'Mountain Meadows Massacre'. A group of Mormon militiamen and members of the Paiute tribe attacked a wagon train of emigrants murdering around 120 men, women, and children. Some of the scenes in the movie, although dramatised of course, portray elements of Mormonism with which I am familiar from my 31 years lived as an active Mormon. I felt sick as I watched men and women participate in temple ceremonies with the awful monotone that I heard many times myself. It always bothered me how dead we all sounded. Now I cannot believe that I was a part of something so ridiculous and so dangerous. What would I have done for the church, for god? how far would I have gone. 


Would I have married the prophet if he told me god willed it? would my husband have let me go? would I have cried out for blood atonement? would I have acquiesced to having my throat slit and my guts spilled for having revealed the things that I have revealed here on my blog?


Would I have been willing to kill for god?


I can only say that somehow I broke out of the trance. I am out now. I am not controlled by superstition or the greed and power of corrupt men. I am free from these lies and horrors but I am still faced with the belief of others every day. If your faith in any way requires you to relinquish your own mind, if it asks you to blindly obey... then ask yourself - "what would I be willing to do for god?" the answer might scare you. It scares the hell out of me. 


I worry about putting all of this into words. Will it just incite more anger? I hope that everyone who reads this post will hear me when I say that all I want is for everyone on this planet to have the freedom to live their own life in the manner that they wish to live it (so long as you harm no-one), with no-one claiming any right or special powers/knowledge from any god/s. We all know deep down that no-one has any such authority. People continue to assert that they have the truth and that everyone else is wrong. How can every religion be the only true one?? Isn't it far more likely that NONE of them are. 


The only way that I can see for humankind to survive is if we act from love. When we see 'the other' we see ourselves, we see our own son, daughter, brother, sister, mother, father... and we love them and we work for a world that can sustain everyone in peace and happiness. It is possible. We have everything we need to do it BUT we must shed old superstitions and face reality. We must grow up. 

NOH8 Photo-shoot

There's not much you can convey to someone once they've stuck a bit of gaffa tape over your mouth. I wonder if this will catch on as a technique for photographers working with unruly models. The up side of this for me was that I didn't have to smile! or even worry that much about my expression, although looking at it now I think that I could have expressed a little of something! 

If you've been living under a rock and don't know what the NOH8 campaign is about then you can visit them here. I've lifted this bit of info from their website bcos I'm sitting here with a hot water bottle trying to ease some stomach cramping before heading off to teach Body Balance in a minute (wah wah), so yeah, too lazy to summarise. 

"On November 4, 2008 Proposition 8 passed in California, amending the state Constitution to ban same-sex marriage. The defeat provoked a groundswell of initiative within the GLBT community at a grassroots level, with many new political and protest organizations being formed in response. 

The NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska (http://www.bouska.net) and partner Jeff Parshley in direct response to the passage of Proposition 8. Photos feature subjects with duct tape over their mouths, symbolizing their voices being silenced by Prop 8 and similar legislation around the world, with "NOH8" painted on one cheek in protest."


Funds raised by the NOH8 Campaign are used to promote and raise awareness for Marriage Equality and anti-discrimination on a global level through an educational and interactive media campaign.

Make LOVE people!

I am??? ... I am you. and you are me.

Time to check in. 

I want to say something. This 'coming to terms with my own mortality thing'? ... um...........

...it's not that fucking easy! 

There, I said it. 

I never never never want back 'in' to the Mormon church, or any church, but (yes, but!)  god damn I wish there were something after this life! I do, I really do. I don't want that prick of a Mormon god's idea of heaven, nor anything like unto it. I want my girls and my guys with me forever. I want endless forever. I want peace and joy and passion and ecstasy for everyone. I want someone to fucking wipe the memories of anyone who was ever abused! the bad memories only and only the ones we want wiped. I know, I know! not possible, how would something like that work? I don't bloody know but isn't that the point of a next life? there would be some kind of eye-opening epiphany where we'd be able to do all kinds of things we never thought were possible. 

Grrrrrrrr!

So. Back to reality. 

Possibly the number one benefit of waking from my 31 year slumber is my new-found ability to live in the present moment. I've experienced a lot of pain in the last 2 years. I don't care to share right now; well you've been along for the ride anyway. Pain and joy, just about equally matched I'd say. I have a lot of questions. My mind is pretty much constantly mulling things over. It gets to be a bit much. Anyway, the point that I wanted to get to was that I have noticed that I quite regularly catch myself in a situation that is... well, crap really - and I start to feel like shit and I feed that negative feeling BUT then (to my great relief) I am very quickly reminded of my mortality and the uselessness of dwelling on shit and I snap into  a sharp and bright sense of my surroundings, my present. It smells amazing! have you smelled it? it is so beautiful! have you seen it?!!! and the sound! the taste! seriously, I know this all sounds like drivel right now but try and see it! Fark! We are alive! AaaaaaaaH, actually breathing and moving and feeling and thinking and loving and singing and feeling feeling feeling, did I say feeling?!!!!

My dad was probably right (godammit!) when he said that I am a very emotionally driven person. I think that in the past I channelled that emotion to god and now I am working with that erm handicap(?) to find a way to be passionate and brave but also reasonable and coherent. I love the rush that I feel when I throw myself headlong into something that I feel strongly about. I don't care about getting hurt (before I get hurt that is), if I think something is worth fighting for then you're going to fucking see a fight! So I get hurt. Yup. Mmm. Yes I do. And I like the pain too, bcOs then I feel alive. I imagine people who self-harm feel this kind of rush. I suppose I emotionally self-harm. BUT if I think it is worth it then i will do it again and again and again. Like I said, that way I know I'm alive. 

ALIVE! 

I've tried a few substances in the last year or so. I've enjoyed, it I won't lie. BUT the biggest fucking rush of all is life itself. The power within each of us. The energy/love/? inside each of us is freaking amazing. And when we share it, when we use it... it increases exponentially!

Ok. Yeah I sound a bit erm.... yeah that. 

BUT I feel (yes FEEL) overcome by my yearning to connect with as many people as I can in my one 'for-sure' life. You are me and I am you. What connects us? 

No more walls. No more divide. We are ONE. 

Big Love

I've said this somewhere before but not here.

It is difficult to say which of these responses hurts more:

a.) TBMs who take my 'apostasy' personally and consider me to be the devils plaything.

b.) Ex-Mormons who left when they were young because Mormonism wasn't their thing and who now smirk at my rantings considering me to be some kind of half-wit for getting so distressed over it all.

c.) Never-Mo's who don't know much about Mormonism and thus also wonder why I am making such a  fuss.

So I guess it is no surprise that I take great comfort in:

a.) TBMs who genuinely care about my distress even though at times they feel confronted by me.

b.) Ex-Mormons who are also fighting back against the Mormon culture that urges 'apostates' to "Leave the Church Alone".

c.) Never-Mo's who can really SEE me and my pain and accept my strange cries as necessary outbursts in the process of healing.

Big LOVE to ALL of the people who have supported me as I have whined like a baby, stomped my feet like some creature possessed and cried many tears.

xxx

Rally for Equal Marriage Rights - Perth, Western Australia 19/03/2011

When one of the Mo’ mums at my kids school asked me what we were going to do on the weekend I told her that we were going to the Rally for Equal Marriage Rights. There was some stunned silence before she managed to exclaim something about me fighting for the ‘other side’.  We talked about it for a little while. She is very happy to openly discuss things, which is great because although we disagree on a lot of issues I don’t feel like I have to hold anything back when I talk to her.

 I am not much of an expert on the plight of the LGBT community so I thought I’d just write down some of the things she said and then leave it up to more my savvy commenters to reply. I’ll add my thoughts too.

The first thing she asked was if I knew that if the LGBT community was given equal marriage rights then ‘it’ would have to be taught in schools, to kids as young as 5?

My thoughts – I just watched an episode of Glee the other night where being gay was spoken about very openly in and out of class. I know it is just TV and they didn’t mention marriage but I get the feeling that the world is pretty well prepared for their kids to talk about LGBT rights etc at school.  Also, if people are born with their own sexual orientation then wouldn’t it be imperative that they hear about the legitimacy of their feelings at school?!

Then she said that if same-sex couples were allowed to marry then paedophilia and bestiality would soon follow as accepted ‘lifestyle choices’.

Ugh! – So (some) opponents of same-sex marriage actually look at the love and devotion clearly displayed by consenting adults in a same-sex relationship as being ‘in the same boat as’ or 'close enough to' criminal behaviour.

My friend said, "soon religious people will lose all of their rights". I asked her what she was talking about. She said that she "wouldn’t be allowed to say that being gay is wrong."

Hmmm. I’m pretty sure freedom of speech won’t be taken away, but you might want to be careful where you say it, more for your own safety than anything. Believe what you want to believe, just stay out of other peoples' bedrooms and marriages!

One other thing she said was that it wasn’t right for 3% of the population to dictate to 97% of the population.

Well what ever happened to fighting for the little guy, the minorities? I also think that the 3% statistic is fairly useless since I wonder how many LGBT are openly gay? My spider senses tell me that the real figure is much higher… 

I am a stranger to no one, and no one is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all. —p.1299, Guru Granth Sahib

This made me cry; bright and brave youth singing from their hearts about pulling together to help those in need after the cyclone and floods in Queensland.

My favourite part -

"We are one but we are many
And from all the lands on earth we come,
we share a dream,
And sing with one voice,
I am, you are, we are Australian."

I hope Australia can grow to really embrace this part of the song. We do come from all around the world. I am so tired of seeing bumper stickers that say "F... off we're full" (Um, have you seen how effin huge Australia is???) "We grew here, you flew here, f... off". This second one by the way would include me. I flew to Australia when I was 3 months old. Should I leave too?!

I like to think of my home as the starting place for celebrating diversity whilst striving for social cohesion. I need to practice this just as much in my own marriage as I do in my wider community!

Then could we write a global song that embraced the same ideas? - "I am, you are, we are earthlings" doesn't quite have the same ring to it but I'm sure there is some wonderful lyricist out there who could get something flowing. Could we also include the animals, the plants, the very earth itself. We are part of a wondrous cycle of life. The earth sustains us if we respect it. People respond with love when they are treated with love. It should be like some kind of Golden Rule or something.

"Abusive and S(Pammy)"

Is it the talk about boobs or beer that offends you most? I suspect you just feel attacked as a Mormon and hence have flagged my blog as "abusive or spammy' on Facebook. As I said before let's se what fb has to say about it.

I had a really fun beach walk and breakfast with a Mormon friend of mine recently and she did mention that some members think that I am "very mean to Mormons". For the umpteenth time I am anti-Mormon not anti-Mormons ... and there IS a difference as much as many Mormons like to argue that they and their religion are one, well that's nice for you but no-one else sees it that way. I can hate your religion but LOVE you. Do you still love me? - even though I am a sinner/apostate/fallen star etc etc - (those are pretty personal accusations!) remember you are required to love your enemies; I am not under this obligation but I do it anyway, funny that.

One Love

I have joined blackbikini and greenbikini together as I don't feel the need to separate the two any longer. My dark, light and grey-scale personality flares seem to be safely coexisting.

An update on yesterdays post. Communication has resumed; my internal sky doesn't look as gloomy as it did yesterday.  I went out with the girls last night (outdoor movie, picnic under the pine trees, Danish movie ) and I feel generally more energised and able to cope.

The movie also alerted me to my own bloody selfishness! My life is a dream compared to the struggles of so many people (and animals) on our planet.

ONE Love.

Altruism

Listening to Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds 'Into My Arms' and my mind (and heart) went of course to my own Rockstar and I just felt an overwhelming desire to do anything that I could to contribute to his happiness. I think I've been a bit insular and self-absorbed lately and it's getting to be a bit much. As soon as I acknowledged this desire to help someone else I realised an improvement in my own mood. Ironically I am now thinking about the benefit to myself that comes from helping others BUT well does pure altruism actually exist? Anyway, god I love listening to Nick Cave! I love music for that matter. Music is my church; this is where I heal my hurts.

Grandparents

My maternal grandmother (Granny) passed away this morning. She went peacefully in a lovely aged care facility with her two daughters by her bedside. I am so happy for her. I don't know what the next life holds for any of us but I feel that she has moved on to some exciting new adventure. I imagine her young and vibrant again, like the sassy girl I saw dressed in military uniform in old black and white photos. Oh and there's lots of green grass and sunshine in my imaginary world for her. That is the beauty of freedom. I can choose whatever reality I would like to imagine her in and boom! there she is having a great time. No-one can tell me otherwise because there are no authorities on the afterlife.

Tobys grandfather passed away about 2 weeks ago now. Toby has had a difficult time processing this. He has been grieving deeply and has let out a lot of pent up emotions. It has also been tough for me to watch him dealing with so many emotions all at once. I think that our society does not allow men enough space to show emotion throughout their lives; so that when men do hit a big emotional spot they get a bit overwhelmed. Toby also had to deal with some unpleasant religious attitudes at the time which did not help him at all. I won't elaborate as that would be his story to tell if he wants to. He probably won't though. That is why my advice to any ex-mo's who are thinking about blogging would be to go with an anonymous blog; then you can talk about the things that you really need to get off your chest!

My maternal grandfather and my paternal grandmother passed on a couple of years ago now within days of each other! How interesting is that.

My memories of my maternal grandfather (Grandad) include admiring the model airplanes (check out yellow one in photo below) that he made out of glass bottles, tin and alluminium and him walking around the garden with his cigarettes, taking a 'breather' from family politics. He was from Cornwall, England and so was rather on the shorter end in terms of height (a trait I have inherited), he also had one leg a bit longer than the other and so my memories are of a cute little grandad with his trademark hobble pottering around with a glint in his eye getting on with the business of seeing beauty in everyday things.

My paternal grandmother lived in England. I saw her once when I was about 5, she and grandad came to Australia to live with us for a few months. I was then lucky enough to visit her in England when I was 18. My paternal grandfather had passed away the year before. I remember (or maybe I just remember being told about it?) sitting on his knee and listening to his awesome crazy grandad stories. He was tall and wore cool hats. My Granny was another sassy woman. I remember one evening we were all supposed to be doing some kind of fun activity but everyone was waiting for me to finish up with the dishes (hang on a minute, I was 5!!! hmmm, time to get my kids onto it) and she came in and plonked all of the cutlery onto the sink and went swish swish swish and then pulled them out again and put them on the draining board and said "that's how you do it" (or something similar) Hahahahaha, thanks Granny.

I am now grandparent-less. I loved knowing all of them and I cherish my memories of them no matter how skewed they are by time. I will be sure to remember them often and to draw upon my memories of them to help me here in my life. I love you Granny, Granny, Grandad and Grandad xxxx

Neurosis

It's been a while...

I have been stressed. Very stressed. My number one concern is definitely my sons eczema. It is not good. He has severe eczema on his arms, the backs of his knees and now his neck and face. He scratches all the time. In the morning his bed is covered in skin flakes and blood spots. He looks tired and sore. Anything that we put on his skin stings.

I just started writing a lengthy explanation of when the eczema started, how it progressed and how we have been managing it. I then deleted the paragraph. I am trying everything that I can think of to manage the eczema. It is on my mind day and night. I have nightmares about it.

This week the eczema has been improving. I feel hopeful.. but still scared.

..and I know that it is probably my fucking neurosis that is preventing the eczema from going away!!! I need to chill out and be strong for him. I need to get my head together and be his rock again. Poor little guy, I know that little kids look to their mums for love and comfort and stability.. and here I am turning my life upside down and probably making his life just as chaotic.

I did think about my children when I left the church. I wondered what it would do to them.

I don't for one second regret leaving but I do regret thinking that I could manage the process without much help. I am beginning to realise what a major change I have made in my life. I lost my whole belief system in a very short space of time. I also lost friends. I lost god. I lost my childhood innocence, my childhood dreams. I lost my sense of security, my anchor in life.

And it's not like I can get it back. It was a fucking lie!!! Do you get it yet?! They damned well made it all up! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. I was quite happy before all of this thank you very much! You know... when I was deaf, dumb and blind.

Sometimes Mormons (family) ask how things are going since I left the church. I'm tired of telling them that things are good. Things are not fucking good! they are bloody awful. I feel ripped apart. I feel abandoned. I feel angry. I hate the Mormon lies. I hate that I was lied to as a child. I hate the brainwashing. I hate that I didn't get to grow up free to make up my own mind about god and sex and motherhood and..

I've been bottling all this up inside. Why? Still trying to please everyone I suppose.

I hate that I have Mormon friends on facebook who say they still want to be friends with me but then do nothing friendlike! I have hidden their comments for now. I am sick of reading about all of their girls nights out that I used to be invited to and now am not. Fuck! I even got some of them to get out of the house and back into 'time with the girls' in the first place. I think about un-friending them but that feels like a big scary step.

So how's that for a rant.

I thought I was going to be able to figure all of this out in my own sweet time but it would seem that the motherguilt is going to keep kicking my ass until I buck up and say fuck you Mormon church, you cannot take my heart and soul! I want it back you bloodsucking whore.

Sheesh!

I believe in love and goodness, family and friends. I am trying to reclaim my soul and to open it up again. I want to invite god back into my heart. Not that bogus Mormon god up in the clouds with white hair and a penis, no, not him. The REAL one, the one that loves everyone and doesn't care about what I wear, what I say, who I marry, what I drink, what I do on Sunday......................

That one.

Someone reminded me the other day that god is love.

Love.

Love.

Love.

I love... my son. (&T&P) (&me)