Saturday, January 22, 2011

Talking to Myself

I stopped praying when I left the church. At first I was mad at God, sooooo mad and I felt justifiably mad. I was prepared to defy Him. I told him (without praying-oh, maybe that’s why he never replied then) that he would have to damned well destroy me (as He’d promised) because I was not going to be a piece of meat in his sick game any longer. There was no f***ing way that I was going to continue to stick around wondering if polygamy would be reinstated in my lifetime or not. Screw that! (Hmmmm… f**k, screw… maybe He didn’t think I was serious since I used such confusing profanity, maybe He thought I was being facetious?).

Anyway, fast forward nearly a year and I realised that I no longer even believed in God. So of course still no prayer. But (am I allowed to start sentences with ‘but’ yet? it’s so fun!) ...BUT… maybe I had been receiving some benefit from praying for all of those years. I mean when I was sad or lonely I could ‘pour my heart out’ so to speak. I believed God was listening. I believed He cared and that He would help me out. I even felt all of those promised feelings… good, warm, sweet feelings.

It took me a while but eventually I realised that these feelings were forming because I expected them to; I willed them to. I, clever me, was healing myself! Awesome. So then why stop?

It took me a good 18 months to realise that I had been denying myself this balm, this power. I started to talk to myself. I even imagined a copy of myself who was so lovely, so kind and understanding, so wise. She listened to everything I had to say and she consoled me and cheered me up. She still does. Now when I talk to myself I don’t have to worry about falling asleep mid-sentence and offending myself. I don’t have to kneel on the floor, fold my arms, bow my head, BE REVERENT! I don’t have to go through a ‘to do’ list first, thanking God for this and that and praying for the poor and the needy etc etc before getting to the point. It does not matter one little bit how or why or when or where I do it.

I feel myself relax when I start ‘the talk’. A smile usually forms on my face and I know that I have tapped into the real ‘power of prayer’. It is the power that is in each and every one of us to heal and love ourselves. 


  1. Ooooohhhh! Isn't there rules against praying to a false god and claiming to BE god?? You are in BIG trouble with the invisible sky fairy!

    But seriously, that is awesome that your little chats with yourself make you feel better. I especially like the part where you unconsciously smile :)

    I hate it (this happened to me recently) when a god-botherer tells me that I DO pray (I don't) and then gives me a list of things like quiet reflection, meditation, even sleep! as examples of times when I am 'praying', and thus, I DO believe in god. OK. Rant finished.

    Next time I am having a moment of quiet reflection (NOT prayer!), trying to sort out probs in my head, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to say them out loud, to see if that helps, and I am going to say them to a little imagined reincarnate or copy of Maureen. I mean, it's working well for you!

    I will let you know how it works out, Im off to make a WWMD (What Would Maureen Do) bracelet.

    Peace Out

  2. "I sleep therefore I believe in god" is certainly an argument I have never heard of! How controlling this God is, are we to now understand that in fact we have no choice to follow him or not? Free agency is done away with then? You have some interesting acquaintances :P

    Hahaha, I think you'd find it much more useful (and less tainted with long-held Mormon ideas that I am still trying to distinguish!) to envision a carbon copy of TGIAA :) but carry on with the WWMD, just beware or counter-terrorist units mistaking your crafting session for a lab producing weapons of mass destruction! You don't want Kiefer Sutherland bursting in through your front window and making a mess of everything!

  3. I love this post! I talk to myself a lot and am often surprised at my ability to talk myself out of a funk. (It's almost as easy as talking myself INTO a funk!)

    I especially love this bit:

    "I don’t have to go through a ‘to do’ list first, thanking God for this and that and praying for the poor and the needy etc etc before getting to the point."

    It's a good point! All of that thanking and asking on behalf of others made me feel like such a hypocrite.

  4. Oh so much so! If I hadn't prayed for a while then I would feel proud of myself for remembering so many people in my prayers before I got to my personal request but then a few days into regular prayer I would be stumped as to how to 'spice it up'. I knew I sounded insincere when I prayed for other people because it was something I felt I had to do before i could ask for any help for myself. These days I take care of myself and surprise surprise I feel ready to give to my kids, my husband, my friends because I have refuelled myself first! (Makes me think about the oxygen masks that fall down from the ceiling in a plane crash, you have to put your own on first and then help others put theirs on, even for your kids!).