Down the Rabbit Hole

You know that post last night about trolling on Mormon facebook pages? This morning I woke up to find a string of comments from one of those pages which appears to be a substantial effort to try and (re)convert me.

It began about 3 weeks ago and I thought we were done but apparently WE are not done.  At first my evangelist berated me for having a negative view of the BOM. Then we had a misunderstanding where I thought they were comparing homosexuals to pedophiles. They said "And I ask you, "Do you love everyone the way they are? Even the rapists and pedophiles; serial killers and wife beaters? Because you just said that they were born that way."You see why I was alarmed right? The phrase of mine that triggered this statement was that I had said that any god I could believe in would love everyone as they are. What my evangelist keeps failing to understand is how incredibly insulting and tiring it is to hear homosexuals lumped in with pedophiles and rapists! Why do people immediately feel the need to go there? what is the link? The link in their head is SIN, they lump all of these things together as sins and completely fail to realise that they are being unbelievably cruel and bigoted  in their approach. Not to mention that they are just plain wrong! There is no sin in LOVE. The LGBTQI community teaches me daily about love.   


After clarifying that my 'born that way' statement was in relation to the LGBTQI community (doesn't anyone listen to Gaga anymore!) my evangelist went on to repeat themselves. "So, I'll rephrase. "Do you love everyone the way they are? Heterosexual or Homosexual? Rapist or not? Pedophile or not? Tax cheaters or not? Liars or not? Thieves or not? Animal abusers or not? Drug abusers or not?" It would appear that you think He should love EVERY PERSON as they are because they are born that way." Gah!  There are only 2 behaviours in there that don't harm another person and they are homosexuality and drug abuse. The rest impact upon others ranging from mild to severe in impact. You could argue that drug abusers hurt those close to them too BUT who are homosexual people hurting? the insecure and sexually repressed religious knobs? is that who? pfffft! give it a rest!


We then got into why I lost my belief in god. Which goes something like this:
"I was born into the church. I have read the BOM many times and the Bible, PoGP, D&C, 4 years seminary, 4+ years Institute, Gospel Essentials teacher, Young Womens Counsellor, Relief Society Counsellor. Then at age 31 I was reading Jacob2 (again) and this time didn't gloss over the mention of polygamy, referrenced it to D&C 132 and read it with a desire to understand. The ultimatum to Emma - 'accept polygamy or be destroyed' I "likened unto myself" and found no love from god. I realised I was a piece of property to him and worth less than my husband. I still believed in the church at this point and so I felt spriritually devastated by this new awareness of my place in gods plan. I spent the next year trying to find explanations that would show me I was wrong. Instead I found more and more damning evidence that the church is a fraud concocted by Joseph Smith etc. I have made my peace with Joseph. I love my Mormon friends but I 
despise Mormonism."


My evangelist friend then goes on to tell me about a bunch of women in the scriptures. Eve. Mary. Evangelist even quotes from the BOM "The Lamanite king Lamoni also bore testimony that his Redeemer was to be “born of a woman.”"Is that supposed to make me feel better?!!! that a woman was mentioned in scriptures as a baby maker! "Sarah, wife of Abraham, is mentioned only in passing as “she that bare you.” I think evangelist has forgotten whose point they are trying to prove! "Sariah, was the helpmate of the visionary Lehi and mother of the eight or so sons and daughters" Fuck me! helpmate (helpmeet?) and mother of 8, NO thanks! "
The unnamed wife of Nephi" Nameless, faceless, hopeless! To be fair, unnamed wife of Nephi did a pretty cool thing - "However, she does present a good example of a distraught woman turning to prayer when her husband’s life was endangered (as I'm sure a man would do if his wife was in danger). “With her tears and prayers” and in spite of threatenings, she tried to persuade the rebellious brethren to release her bound husband. (See 1 Ne. 18:19.) " Evangelist then makes mention of a maidservant who was beaten and then fled to the other side (the righteous side) and gave the baddies away. Evangelist sums it up with mention of the groups of  women mentioned in the BOM - sisters of Nephi, daughters of Ishmael, Lamanite daughters. 

Then this comment - "I guess you've forgotten that there are women in the Book of Mormon; good and bad, just like the men." No, but thanks for proving my point; that all of the heroes in the BOM are men. The women exist and are mentioned as some appendage to a man or men. As I've said before - Blech! 

Perhaps most insulting of all was the response to my earnest account of my feelings of pain etc upon discovering that Emma (and I) would be destroyed by god if we would not accept polygamy. Evangelist's response was to say that Joseph himself was threatened with destruction from god if he showed the golden plates to anyone (conveniently fixing the problem of people asking for proof of the plates) and again with destruction if HE would not institute polygamy. God! what a trial! having sex with pretty young (already married) women. Gag me with a mother-fucking spoon! 

Talking to Myself

I stopped praying when I left the church. At first I was mad at God, sooooo mad and I felt justifiably mad. I was prepared to defy Him. I told him (without praying-oh, maybe that’s why he never replied then) that he would have to damned well destroy me (as He’d promised) because I was not going to be a piece of meat in his sick game any longer. There was no f***ing way that I was going to continue to stick around wondering if polygamy would be reinstated in my lifetime or not. Screw that! (Hmmmm… f**k, screw… maybe He didn’t think I was serious since I used such confusing profanity, maybe He thought I was being facetious?).

Anyway, fast forward nearly a year and I realised that I no longer even believed in God. So of course still no prayer. But (am I allowed to start sentences with ‘but’ yet? it’s so fun!) ...BUT… maybe I had been receiving some benefit from praying for all of those years. I mean when I was sad or lonely I could ‘pour my heart out’ so to speak. I believed God was listening. I believed He cared and that He would help me out. I even felt all of those promised feelings… good, warm, sweet feelings.

It took me a while but eventually I realised that these feelings were forming because I expected them to; I willed them to. I, clever me, was healing myself! Awesome. So then why stop?

It took me a good 18 months to realise that I had been denying myself this balm, this power. I started to talk to myself. I even imagined a copy of myself who was so lovely, so kind and understanding, so wise. She listened to everything I had to say and she consoled me and cheered me up. She still does. Now when I talk to myself I don’t have to worry about falling asleep mid-sentence and offending myself. I don’t have to kneel on the floor, fold my arms, bow my head, BE REVERENT! I don’t have to go through a ‘to do’ list first, thanking God for this and that and praying for the poor and the needy etc etc before getting to the point. It does not matter one little bit how or why or when or where I do it.

I feel myself relax when I start ‘the talk’. A smile usually forms on my face and I know that I have tapped into the real ‘power of prayer’. It is the power that is in each and every one of us to heal and love ourselves. 

A Romantic Divorce?

So I think I’d better clarify my earlier statement about divorce. I am more in love with T than ever. We had a great 10^th anniversary celebration the other day and are very excited about our future together.

I have two reasons for wanting a divorce.

From my previous post you will see that I believe my wedding day and marriage was a shambles. I do not look on the event with fondness. I would like very much to purge Mormonism and especially a marriage linked with polygamy out of my life.

The second reason and in fact the reason that first got me thinking about divorce is this: Until the LGBT community is awarded the same rights with marriage that heterosexual people have then I do not wish to have anything to do with the institution of marriage.

I personally would like to forfeit my marriage as a way of offering some small act of solidarity for the LGBT community.

For now these are just ideas I am spinning around in my head. If it were just up to me I would go right ahead and do it. I have mentioned the idea to T and he seemed to understand but he needs time (understandably) to think about it.

I have even been thinking about having a lovely celebration for the event. It would be in stark contrast to my wedding day. Whilst THAT day was fraught with weirdness and loneliness my divorce would be a joyous occasion with family and friends, sun and sand… Oh, and of course my one and only who I look forward to spending the rest of my unmarried life with in great peace and happiness.

Betrayal

Emma Smith and Eliza R. Snow were both 32 years of age when they became friends.

In 1835 Emma and Joseph invited Eliza to board with them while she taught a girls school. "Eliza was not fond of teaching school, but living in Emma's home offered a compensation: Eliza watched Joseph" (Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith, Tippetts and Avery, p. 61).

On March 17, 1842 the Female Relief Society of Nauvoo was formed with Emma Smith as president. Emma chose Elizabeth Ann and Sarah Cleveland as her counselors and Eliza as secretary.

On 29 June 1842 Eliza R. Snow and Joseph were married in secret. At the time Eliza was living with Sarah Cleveland. Sarah's husband, John Cleveland, was living several blocks away. It seems likely that Sarah was also married to Joseph by this time.

"Sarah and Eliza knew that Emma regarded them with respect and affection. While women who became Joseph's wives were able to accept the principle of plural marriage as a revelation from God, they still had to grapple silently and alone with their betrayal of Emma. To live as a secret wife to a friend's husband demanded evasion, subterfuge, and deception. For these sincerely devout and faithful women, their duplicity regarding Emma must have prompted guilt and anxiety." (Mormon Enigma:Emma Hale Smith, Newell and Avery p. 120).

Emma worked tirelessly to promote the church, nurture the people and notably to combat accusations of polygamous practices within the church. All the while the members of this group of women, this 'Relief Society', continued to marry Emma's husband in secret.

Louisa Beaman married Joseph April 5, 1841

Agnes Coolbrith Smith married Joseph before June 1842 (she was the widow of Joseph's brother, Don Carlos).

Sarah Cleveland married Joseph in 1842 (this date is not certain but the marriage is)

Elizabeth Durfee married Joseph before June 1842 (this date is not certain but the marriage is)

(The above 2 women were older women who were sometimes referred to as "Mothers in Israel", their job was to teach the younger women the principles of plural marriage).

These women all served in the Relief Society 'supporting' Emma as president whilst married to her husband! As well as these women who were married to Joseph, there were others in the organisation who knew of the plural marriages but kept the secret from Emma.

Joseph addressed the Relief Society on May 26 1842 "There is another error which opens a door for the adversary to enter. As females posses refined feelings and sensitiveness, they are also subject to an overmuch zeal which must ever prove dangerous, and cause them to be rigid in capacity. [You] should be arm'd with mercy notwithstanding the iniquity among us.... Put a double watch over the tongue...[You] should chasten and reprove and keep it all in silence, not even mention them again... One request to the Prest. and society, that you search yourselves--the tongue is an unruly member--hold your tongues about things of no moment. A little tale will set the world on fire. At this time the truth on the guilty should not be told openly--strange as this may seem, yet this is policy. We must use precaution in bringing sinners to justice lest in exposing these heinous sins, we draw the indignation of a gentile world upon us (and to their imagination justly, too). It is necessary to hold an influence in the world and thus to spare ourselves an extermination" Joseph contradicted his previous charge that the women watch over the morals of the community. Emma was doing her job too well. " (Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith, Tippetts and Avery, p.115).

Emma discovered Eliza's secret in early 1843. There is much folklore surrounding the discovery. Tales were told of Emma catching Joseph and Eliza in an embrace outside of his bedroom (Emma's room was on one side of Joseph's room, Eliza's was on the other!) and that Emma then flew into a fury and flung Eliza down the stairs. Some stories claim that Eliza was carrying Joseph's child at the time and miscarried as a result of the fall. Whatever the details it is certain that Emma would have been deeply hurt and shocked by the news.

Shame on the church for their treatment of Emma in their history. Shame on the church for their god-like portrayal of Joseph.

I know of members who believe that the practice of plural marriage was an awful, terrible mistake. They still choose to remain members of the church. They believe that Joseph made a mistake but that he was still a prophet who spoke to god and translated the Book of Mormon. I personally believe he was a complete fraud but my point here is that I hope that members of the church will at least look into the matter of plural marriage, not for my sake, god no, but for Emma and all of the women and men who suffered from the practice.

The Wives of Joseph Smith

The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith (part 2)

I read about the following information in this book:

Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith by Linda King Newell and Valeen Tippetts Avery (Doubleday, 1984).

It would appear that Joseph first introduced the subject of plural marriage through a revelation received near Jackson County, Missouri, on July 17, 1831. You can read it here.

Newell and Avery suggest that although Joseph seems to have believed that he was commanded by God to establish plural marriage he was not given specific instructions as to it's implementation. They go on to outline how this made things very difficult for Emma.

Mary Elizabeth Rollins married Joseph Smith in Feb of 1842 at the age of 24. Rollins recounts a conversation between herself and Joseph in 1831 when she was just 12 years old. She said Joseph "told me about his great vision concerning me. He said I was the first woman God commanded him to take as a plural wife." ( Mormon Enigma p.65. Mary Elizabeth Rollins Lightner to Emmeline B. Wells, summer 1905, LDS Archives).

Less than 6 months later Emma and Joseph moved into the John Johnson home. (See this post) Newell and Avery suggest that "Perhaps Joseph was not discreet in his discussions about plural marriage, because rumor and insinuation fed the fury of the mob that tarred and feathered him. When the Johnson boys joined the mob that entered their own home, they clearly suspected an improper association between Joseph and their sixteen-year-old sister, Nancy Marinda." (Mormon Enigma p. 65).

"William E. McLellin, a member of the Twelve wrote in an 1872 letter about an incident related to him by Frederick G. Williams in 1838. McLellin wrote that Joseph "committed an act with a Miss Hill--a hired girl" : near the time of Joseph III's birth. "Emma saw him and spoke to him... he desisted, but Mrs. Smith refused to be satisfied. [Joseph] called in Dr. Williams. O. Cowdery, and S. Rigdon to reconcile Emma. But she told them just as the circumstances took place. He found he was caught. He confessed humbly, and begged forgiveness. Emma and all forgave him. She told me this story was true". " (Mormon Enigma pp. 65-66).

Around the time of the birth of Emma's second son, Frederick, a similar incident occurred. Fanny Alger came to live with Emma and Joseph as a hired girl. She was 19 years old at the time. It is claimed that Joseph married Fanny in 1836. In an 1872 letter McLellin wrote that Emma noticed both Fanny and Joseph missing one night, and went to look for them. She "saw him and Fanny in the barn together alone. She looked through the crack and saw the transaction!!!" (Mormon Enigma p. 66). Newell and Avery further explain that "Joseph's theology may have allowed him to marry Fanny, but Emma was not ready to share her marriage with another woman. When Fanny's pregnancy became obvious, Emma forced her to leave." (Mormon Enigma p. 66).

The incident drove a serious wedge between Oliver Cowdery and Joseph. Oliver wrote to his brother "When [Joseph] was here we had some conversation in which in every instance I did not fail to affirm that what I had said was strictly true. A dirty nasty, filthy affair of his and Fanny Alger's was talked over in which I strictly declared that I had never deviated from the truth in the matter... just before leaving, he wanted to drop every past thing, in which had been a difficulty or a difference--he called witnesses to the fact, he gave me his hand in their presence". (Mormon Enigma p. 66).

Ugh!!!

So, here is just the tip of the iceberg. I feel sick. Can you imagine Emma hugely pregnant, then going through labour, recovering, looking after a newborn... meanwhile Joseph is off with some teenager!

Did Joseph come up with an ingenious way to satisfy his sexual desires? A theology including plural marriage. No adultery, they were married, how very legal and happy for everyone!

And the mens club!! let's shake hands and be friends again. Never mind the deplorable way we treat our women, us men can rise above the muck!

Tell me your thoughts people. What is your reaction? Do you want to spit chips like me? Do you feel incensed? or can you accept it?

The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith

Joseph Smith married Emma Hale on January 18, 1827.

On the night of March 24, 1832 Joseph was dragged from bed by an angry mob. They stripped, scratched and beat him and then smeared his bleeding body with tar. They then ripped open a pillow and plastered him with feathers. They attempted to choke him and to pour poison down his throat.

Many Mormons will have heard this much of the story and ascribed the mobs anger to religious differences (as well as economic factors) . There may be more to the story.

It is written that Eli Johnson demanded that Joseph be castrated. (The evidence for the existence of an Eli Johnson is tentative. Brodie referenced a late source for this. However there are other sources that describe the motivation of the mob, I have posted about them here.) "Dr Dennison had been employed to perform a surgical operation, but he declined when the time came to operate" (Journal of Discourses, Vol. XI pp.3-4).

Eli Johnston (it would be more correct here to say the Johnson boys, John Johnson's sons) suspected Joseph of improper relations with his sister Nancy Marinda Johnson (or Marinda Nancy Johnson) who was 17 years old at the time.

Nancy became Joseph's plural wife in April 1942.

Nancy bore two sons whilst in Nauvoo. It is possible that Joseph Smith was their father.

(I read about these things in Fawn M. Brodie's 'No Man Knows My History: The Life of Joseph Smith'. See pp. 119, 462-464. You can find her sources therein.)

I believe it is a lie

Just a quick one from me today. A few people have said to me that they thought I had left the church for reasons such as being lazy or wanting to sin e.g. drink alcohol, dress sexy and swear like a trooper. Some people have also said things that lead me to believe that I have been unclear about why I left the church.

I left because...

I believe that Joseph Smith lied about the golden plates and angels visiting him. I believe that he wrote the Book of Mormon himself (how? who knows, I am not trying to explain my reasons here I am just stating them, I will explain in the future). I believe that Joseph made up all of his 'revelations'.

A few facts admitted by the church itself:

He married other women without his wife's knowledge. He married women who already had husbands, he sent the husbands off on missions and then had them approve of his own marriage to their spouse (already a done deal) when they returned home. He married young girls, yes even young for the 1830s. He promised Emma (his first wife) that he would stop practicing plural marriage and then he carried on with it behind her back.

Is that enough? well there is more but I would like to get to that in due time.

I did not leave the church to be 'naughty', I left because I believe "with every fibre of my being" (a common phrase in Mormon testimony bearing) that it is all a damned lie!

Women as Property

About 8 months ago Rockstar and I attended a Sealing ceremony (marriage ceremony) at our local Mormon temple. It was done ‘by proxy’ meaning that we were participating on behalf of people who have died. Their living relatives having submitted their names to the temple to have them baptised, married and endowed.

At the time I was already beginning to question my faith in the religion but I was happy enough to be there that day. I felt quite peaceful all dressed in white, spending some time with my partner in a quiet and sacred place. As there is quite a bit of repetition in the ceremony I began to try and memorise the words (a little habit of mine). It didn’t take long for me to realise that the vows were different for the husband and wife. I listened more closely and confirmed that there was a significant and shocking difference. The man agrees to “receive her unto yourself”. The woman agrees to “give yourself to him”. (Full text can be found online in a basic search). There was no mention of the husband ‘giving himself’ or of the wife ‘receiving her husband’.

Disturbed by this I later asked the temple worker why there was a difference in the vows. He was surprised by my question and said that no-one had ever asked him that before. Then, thinking on the spot, he said (from memory) “well isn’t that what a woman does, give herself to her husband?”…… What! like a nicely wrapped present with a big fuckin’ puffy, satin bow!? #@%# ….. Well, I began to say how I really didn’t see how that explained anything when a higher-ranking member intervened and began to expound to me about how men and women are equal in the church. The other family members who were with us for this ceremony were visibly uncomfortable by this point. Feeling very unsatisfied I let it be.

When I later had the ear of my Bishop, and on another occasion a representative from the Stake Presidency, neither could give me any decent explanation. They asked me why such a thing should matter and insinuated that my feminist leanings were not exactly welcome.

Now, what turned this irk of mine into a full-blown grievance was a little diddy I discovered at feministmormonhousewives.org. Apparently (now, I have not been back to the temple to verify this for myself - although I did think about doing so, as up until last Thursday, I still had a current temple recommend) … apparently the leadership has in the last few months changed the wording of these vows. Now the woman agrees to “receive him unto herself” but still no mention of the man “giving himself”.

Well I’m sorry but instead of fixing the inequality, as far as I can see ‘they’ just created a big fucking obvious mole that says there is a really significant reason why the man cannot say that he ‘gives himself to his wife’. Hmmm, does this reason have something to do with the other 6 young doe-eyed, big-breasted virgins that the man gets to unwrap, I mean marry, in the next life???

Ignition

(Note to active Mormon members, I will say things here that you won't like)

I was an active Mormon 100% devoted to my calling with the Young Women, 100% converted to the doctrine. I gave talks in front of the entire congregation bearing witness to the things I believed were true. So what changed? Did I read anti-Mormon literature? Did I give up and say it's all just too hard? Did I crave 'worldly things'? No, No and No. I'll tell you what happened. I read the Book of Mormon. Faithfully reading from my scriptures I came to the second chapter in Jacob for the nth time in my life but this time I noticed something that I hadn't before. Here are verses 27-30, v30 is where I stopped short:

27 Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none;

28 For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.

29 Wherefore, this people shall keep my commandments, saith the Lord of Hosts, or cursed be the land for their sakes.

30 For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things.

Here I realised that God was saying He might implement plural marriage at some future time. I had never noticed that before (must have been very sleepy those other times I read it). I cross-referenced this with 'revelations' in Joseph Smiths Doctrine and Covenants. You can read section 132 here. It outlines the 'New and Everlasting Covenant' including the plurality of wives. What I read there curdled my blood. Here are verses 54-56 (I have marked some words in bold type) :

54 And I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide and cleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if she will not abide this commandment she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord; for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy her if she abide not in my law.

55 But if she will not abide this commandment, then shall my servant Joseph do all things for her, even as he hath said; and I will bless him and multiply him and give unto him an hundredfold in this world, of fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, houses and lands, wives and children, and crowns of eternal lives in the eternal worlds.

56 And again, verily I say, let mine handmaid forgive my servant Joseph his trespasses; and then shall she be forgiven her trespasses, wherein she has trespassed against me; and I, the Lord thy God, will bless her, and multiply her, and make her heart to rejoice.

Ok so I left the church about 5 months ago so bear with me here... here's my current response to this 'revelation' - FUCK OFF!!!!

I will give more evidence in future posts but for now suffice it to say that after more than a year of research I believe that Joseph Smith wrote this 'revelation' from his own philandering heart and mind (or should I say penis!). Whatever his delusions of grandeur were this step places him squarely in the realm of bastard, scoundrel, villain, rogue, rascal, snake, jerk, swine, cad, knave.... take your pick.

Note the highlighted section. For several hours I believed that God would destroy me if I would not accept plural marriage in the future. During this time I felt the greatest pain that I have ever felt in my life. I appeared that God did not love me as much as he did my husband, or any man for that matter. I was a 'thing', property to be traded and used. It hurt. Just remembering that experience now makes my heart race and my stomach turn. Again, after 12+ months of sorting through all of this crap I can say FUCK OFF!!! FUCK OFF!!! FUCK OFF !!! to Joe Smith and his accomplices.

I will fill in the gaps in future posts but this was the ignition of my new life.