Saturday, August 21, 2010

Intruder Alert

Ok, enough already! I’m going to prioritise a blog post today. I keep sending this blog to the bottom of my ‘to do’ list and it is just never going to get any love that way.

Well, one interesting thing that came up during my long absence from blackbikini was an online conversation that DH had with a friend from his past. DH told me about it while we were watching the kids play at these indoor pools that remind me of Las Vegas, so I was feeling pretty laid back at the time (I have a ‘thing’ for Las Vegas, maybe that’s why I love The Killers so much) which I was glad about since the information DH gave me may have really pissed me off had I heard it at some other time.

Once again the story plays out at our friendly neighbourhood watering hole… Facebook. A chat box popped up and it was a friend from way back (not a mutual friend btw, this ‘friend’, who shall now be referred to as ‘Intruder’, has never met me) and conversation soon turned to religion (or lack thereof vis-à-vis Atheism), always a crowd pleaser!

Intruder complained to DH about how it was just such a terrible shame the way that his wife had dragged him away from the gospel; “what happened to the old __________ that I used to know” Intruder continued.

Well DH defended himself of course. He had his doubts about the church waaaaay before I did. The amazing part of our story is that for most of our marriage DH managed to keep his doubts to himself. He saw that I was really invested in the religion and that I seemed happy there. He didn’t want to disrupt that since his doubts were speculations and church life seemed to be a ‘good thing’ for our little family. When I ran headlong into polygamy (you can only hide it away in your closet of things you’d like to ignore for so long you know!) he saw the tide was changing. I was M. A. D.; change was coming. He took the leap before I did. He had been contemplating the god theory for at least 10 years and he was ready when the opportunity to openly question it presented itself. His disaffection was cleaner, more harmonious with good mental and physical health. I on the other hand felt like I had been ripped to shreds, hence the emergence of blackbikini, my lifeline.

So if there are any other lurkers out there who think I put on my fishwife boots and dragged DH out of the arms of god then think again.

As for “the old __________” that you “used to know” firstly, ‘know’ is certainly an overstatement. After 10 years of marriage I’d say DH and I are just beginning to scratch the surface of who the other really is, or is becoming. Secondly this statement is one of those pesky little things that Mo’s say when someone leaves… “where has the ‘real’ you gone??” , well I’d like to respond to that in like fashion “do you mean the Automaton that looked like me and smelled like me but that was really just , well, an Automaton!”.  For god’s sake, see the person not the ‘apostate’ people!!!

Finally, Intruder backed off from the ‘let’s dump this shit on his wife because she’s clearly the problem, what with that loud mouth and all’ rant and moved on to bagging my blog (blackbikini is like a train wreck to some people, they just can’t look away!) and then some truly delightful insights into ‘the problem’ with ‘the gays’. Nice.

Now, Intruder, you and I have never met (pray Allah we never do). This piece I’ve written here is sure to rub you the wrong way but I hope it will make you stop and think the next time you open your mouth (especially on facebook, people get ‘braver’ read stupider on facebook). I do have to thank you for one thing though, well no, two things. This story gave me a good laugh at a time when I really needed one; your bigotry turned my Las Vegas oasis into a chuckles retreat. The other payoff was that DH and I got to have a good laugh about something Mormon together.


  1. My mother is convinced that my true self is in the Church. After all, how could anyone be true to themselves outside the true Church? So much lighter without the Automation!

    Kind of similar, but kind of not, my mother-in-law is convinced that I turned her son against her and convinced him that she was evil, when really all I did was validate what he had suspected for years. He had problems with her long before he met me, but she sees me as the problem.

  2. I received a similar response from my parents a while back. My mom suggested that maybe my wife should not have gone through the temple since she had not read the Book of Mormon all the way through. I guess if you haven't read the B.o.M. all the way through, you don't really have a testimony. Although, that is not a question in the temple recommend interview. My wife did have a testimony at the time and was doing everything she could to be "worthy" to get married in the temple.

    This is another one of those "our son was so good, someone had to have pulled him away from the gospel" type situations. My parents have to place blame somewhere. At a later time, I made sure my wife had the opportunity to defend herself to my parents.

  3. Yikes! I can't believe the gall of some people. So glad you and DH were able to get a laugh out of it. I'm sure when it all comes out to my in-laws they will think the same thing about me, how I stole him out of the church and how evil I truly am (especially since they really haven't liked me all that much to begin with, this will just add fuel to the fire). Fun times. Thanks for sharing!

  4. That is really frustrating. I think people have an idea of how things really went down in their heads and it doesn't matter what you say, they will still think what they want to think. It's annoying though!

  5. Hmmm, I know this is just a small handful of people weighing in here but it seems to me that it is the women who are being blamed for 'dragging' the men away/corrupting the men in some way. It also looks like it is women who are doing the accusing. Now I've heard it said many times that (especially in the workforce) women have a tendency to tear each other down rather than build each other up. Why is that? and is that what is going on here? Are the women freaking out and blaming other women? Interesting.

    It certainly adds further stress to the Mother-in-law situation doesn't it!

    Oh and Bowie, my dad got called to serve in the Bishopric without having read the BoM all the way through. He has since told me that he knew very little about the gospel but they called him anyway. He only read the BoM all the way through in the last few years.

  6. I definitely remember when my husband and I were dating people implying that I was going to lead him into sin. Interesting that no one seemed to be concerned with him leading me into sin. And then when we did end up fornicating, I was exed, and he was only disfellowshipped. Hmmm...

  7. Wow, the stories I've always heard with similar scenarios to you are with the guy getting exed and the girl getting the disfellowshipment. What the heck did you do to swing that? Did you each have different bishops at the time?

    It also reminds me of something I was posting about a while back with the Young Women lessons teaching the girls that it was their responsibility to keep the boys 'pure' since the boys couldn't really be blamed for giving in to their raging hormones. Sheeesh! what a screwed up thing to teach young girls! oh, and for the boys to be given somewhat of an excuse for not listening to "NO". Scary stuff there.

  8. My parents want to believe that I've left because of a bad relationship. Not true. I left because it's not true. End of story.
    If I'd been in a really good relationship, I probably would have kept trying to believe, but it still wouldn't have made it true. It would only have meant that I would have spent the rest of my life trying to convince myself that my doubts were just a "test" and that I needed to try harder to believe.

  9. I find it hard to understand why people feel a need to find reasons to explain why people leave. Especially when we very clearly tell them our own reasons! The trance is very deep for some people.