Friday, May 20, 2011
Embracing the Ugly
Freedom has become like a drug to me. The more I taste it the more I want it, need it. FREEDOM!
I wonder what I will do next to get another rush of new-found freedom?
I've seen the tired, sad puffy red eyes. no make-up. late night. early morning. All with NO hair or crap stubbly black hair looking like Jim Carey from Me, Myself and Irene.
Choosing photos for fb or blackbikini I pick the flattering ones. I'm not brave enough to show reality. I like to talk about reality but to show it??
Yet I like to see my head. It feels like I can see me more. Even if it's not that way for other people and my daughter would prefer I had my hair back. I need to see me. I feel as though I freed myself when I cut off my hair and I think I am afraid to grow it back. I love how my head is just there! Nothing hiding its shape, its reality. My head exists. How strange that this knowledge means so much to me. That to see my head brings me some odd comfort!!! I think that within that comfort is a sense of defiance. It is bold and bare and real and definite. I cannot change it to suit other people, or even to suit myself. It is what it is. You can't change bald!
Of course, eventually it will grow but for now people (and I) have to face up to my hair and there isn't a damned thing anyone can do about it.
This may seem very melodramatic for HAIR! but I have been waiting for some emotional turmoil from the exercise and now I have been there. (It seems I just needed to wait for a round of pms to kick in and challenge the beauty myth!).
One friend had a strong reaction when they first saw me. They had not been prepared at all, hadn't seen any photos or read any status updates. They were shocked. Someone then asked them "But do you like it?"... I cringed, feeling the meaning of 'like'. As I thought about that moment later on I realised that it was/is not the point whether someone likes it or not. In fact I want at least some people to dislike it. I didn't shave my head to improve my attractiveness or to feel better about my exterior shell. I shaved my head in protest to all the bullshit that weighs people down. I did not/do not want to be held hostage to other peoples expectations.
Then there is the 'problem' of still being pretty. Like someone said to me today "You can't erase your face". I haven't always thought I was pretty but I have come to agree with my admirers; I have a pretty face. So no, I couldn't get truly into the world of ugly but I sure did try and I sure did feel ugly. And it was a struggle to see my own inner beauty but that was the point. I'd prefer to continue with this challenge for a while longer. I want to live without my hair and see where it takes me.