Monday, May 2, 2011

I am (Part One)

Each cut felt like a release. The thick matt of hair that had been growing for 7 years now lay in a heap on the floor. All those curls! It was like I was looking at a part of my body that had just been removed. I was so used to seeing those curls on me and now they were all the way down there, on the floor, not attached to me. How would they survive?

My head felt lighter. Detached. Free. 

The clippers wouldn't go through my thick gunk-covered frizz of a head so I had to wash away the weeks(!) of product and skin (euphemism for dandruff). It felt amazing to scrub away with a foaming chemical mass of shampoo and not have to fight against a tangle of wanna-be dreads. I couldn't stop. Eventually my moderately patient barber (Rockstar) said it was time. 

The rub down aka pampering time! The barber dried my hair with a towel. I must admit I hadn't thought about all of these extras. I was thinking yeah 10 minutes and it'll be done. Nope. But I liked this part very much. I suddenly realised that this experience might actually be very enjoyable, if I wanted it to be. 

This time the clippers hit their mark. My head has never been shaved before and I had a sudden panic that my head would be cut and and spew forth blood (to be fair, the last time Rockstar cut my hair he did snip my neck and leave a mark!). My barber assured me that clippers don't do that and I chose to believe him. The vibrations were soothing at first, it was relatively easy for me to close my eyes and drift off into the meditative state that I have practiced so often. I put my trust in the hands behind me and just let go. At times the vibrations became too much but a few deep breaths soon sorted that out. 

It was time to reveal. Such white skin. Was that a man? or still a woman? There was my face, staring back at me with nothing to hide behind. And my head! it has bumps and a shape of its own. 

It even has a story to tell. I have 3 scars on my head and I don't know where they came from. I will have to ask mum and dad, I remember a story about me being dropped on my head as a baby?? 

I might shave the mohawk off; it feels pretty butch. I had to try it though. 

My son loves it and wants the same cut. He keeps coming up to me and running his hand over the smooth mohawk and the rough sides. My daughter says I looked prettier before. 


I like it. I feel like a boy though. Sometimes I look in the mirror and still see my femininity but mostly I just see that head! Luckily it is a nice shaped head. I am glad that I could set my head free and symbolically shed the weight of oppression.  I'm looking forward to the stares. I hope I don't blush too much; it really would stuff up the tough bruiser look that I've got going. 


  1. wow. beatuiful. completely. and utterly.

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  3. Sorry, two unforgivable typos.

    Wow! I saw the pic on fb and thought it was C. But it's you! I'm impressed! I have wanted to shave my head for the last 2 years but could never get the guts to go through with it. Shame you didnt time it for Shave for a cure... Did you save the hair? You can sell it to wigmakers. When my little sister was young, 9 I think, we(I) shaved off the right side of her hair, and dyed the left (blonde) side with fudge Purple. We convinced Mum to let us saying she should get it out of her system while she is young and doesnt have to get a job (she now has dreadlocks and a job as a tattoo artist! So I don't know if our theory was correct!).

    I really envied your hair before, really i thought it was gorgeous. I remember thinking it when we went out for cocktails fo my birthday. Now I envy your courage in shaving it all off!

    Maybe the scars are from the mind control devices from when you were a TBM?????

  4. like i said, I love it! You are HOT with no hair, and still plenty feminine(well to me anyways)
    You do look alot like C now, he definately has that same head shape!
    But beautiful nontheless. You beauty is free to shine trhough without any gender constructs to mask it.

  5. Fabulous. Gorgeous. Love it.

    The low maintenance alone is going to make it hard to go back to the hairy, hairy world:)

  6. Thank you everybody :D I have had really great feedback so far. My Body Balance classes were very smiley and keen to talk about it; it made for a fun class.

    Hey TGIAA, Rockstar and I both wondered if the fb photo would confuse people. It does look like Canaan.

    It's something I had thought about doing for a long time and well, the time just kind of came. (I'll explain more in part II) I didn't keep the hair; I didn't feel really attached to it (haha) I thought about selling it but i was pretty gunky and knotted so I didn't bother. I kind of just wanted to get rid of it.

    I still think that your theory was sound. Who know what she would have become had she not been allowed to shave and purplify as a teen???

    Hehe, yes I said to Rockstar the the scars must be from a lobotomy.

    Kath, it's really got me thinking about gender identity. When I say that I look butch or masculine is that a criticism or a comment? Do I have a problem w/looking that way? I don't know. It's certainly weird trying to figure out if Rockstar is staring at me in a "you look so different but in a good way" or "you look so different and it's kinda freaking me out" way.

    I don't know about low maintenance AB, I had my long curls pretty well sorted out! Saturate every morning in the shower, towel dry, run conditioner through hair w/fingers, scruch scrunch, air dry w/window down in the car. Pretty manageable. Now I'm looking at clippers, mohawk maintenance, product for when it grows a little longer, colour (bcos short hair just screams for colour!) I haven't been to the hairdresser in at least 4 years and now I think I will need to find one as good as MagicHands!

  7. I must warn you about coloring. Tis a slippery slope you can't climb back up:) Can't wait to see what happens with that.

    Clipppers are no prob, you'll get to a point where you can just whip them out and touch up in about 5 minutes.

    It's true though, I'm spoiled to have Magic Hands. We're thinking blue is next on the agenda.

  8. Women with such pretty faces (like yours) can totally pull the bald look off. You are gorgeous! I'm sure it feels wonderful too!

  9. I am looking forward to colour. I have been dark-dark brown for a looooong time. I like the sound of blue, I'm thinking green for my first colour.

    I'm beginning to get the low maintenance thing. My hair dries in no time. It doesn't matter if anyone touches it, it cannot be stuffed up! It is saving me time.

    Thanks Fanny. Rockstar said today that he is liking it more and more. He said he had been worried that he would be turned off by it but as it turns out I seem to suit this look :P