Monday, January 24, 2011

What a boob!

Checking out my stats the other day I had a little chuckle at my top 10 search keywords –

fmh 11
temple garments 9
bikini wives 8
plural wives hair 8
bare chested babes 7
joseph smith wives 4
mormon garments 4
my black bikini 3
wives of joseph smith 3
“douglas wilson” 2

Hehehe, someone was looking for barechestedbabes and instead found my drivel, awesome! I wonder if they stuck around? and whether they found Josephs’ antics to be as titillating as the boobs they were hoping for?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Talking to Myself

I stopped praying when I left the church. At first I was mad at God, sooooo mad and I felt justifiably mad. I was prepared to defy Him. I told him (without praying-oh, maybe that’s why he never replied then) that he would have to damned well destroy me (as He’d promised) because I was not going to be a piece of meat in his sick game any longer. There was no f***ing way that I was going to continue to stick around wondering if polygamy would be reinstated in my lifetime or not. Screw that! (Hmmmm… f**k, screw… maybe He didn’t think I was serious since I used such confusing profanity, maybe He thought I was being facetious?).

Anyway, fast forward nearly a year and I realised that I no longer even believed in God. So of course still no prayer. But (am I allowed to start sentences with ‘but’ yet? it’s so fun!) ...BUT… maybe I had been receiving some benefit from praying for all of those years. I mean when I was sad or lonely I could ‘pour my heart out’ so to speak. I believed God was listening. I believed He cared and that He would help me out. I even felt all of those promised feelings… good, warm, sweet feelings.

It took me a while but eventually I realised that these feelings were forming because I expected them to; I willed them to. I, clever me, was healing myself! Awesome. So then why stop?

It took me a good 18 months to realise that I had been denying myself this balm, this power. I started to talk to myself. I even imagined a copy of myself who was so lovely, so kind and understanding, so wise. She listened to everything I had to say and she consoled me and cheered me up. She still does. Now when I talk to myself I don’t have to worry about falling asleep mid-sentence and offending myself. I don’t have to kneel on the floor, fold my arms, bow my head, BE REVERENT! I don’t have to go through a ‘to do’ list first, thanking God for this and that and praying for the poor and the needy etc etc before getting to the point. It does not matter one little bit how or why or when or where I do it.

I feel myself relax when I start ‘the talk’. A smile usually forms on my face and I know that I have tapped into the real ‘power of prayer’. It is the power that is in each and every one of us to heal and love ourselves. 

Friday, January 21, 2011



           "Better out than in, I always say."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Abusive and S(Pammy)"

Is it the talk about boobs or beer that offends you most? I suspect you just feel attacked as a Mormon and hence have flagged my blog as "abusive or spammy' on Facebook. As I said before let's se what fb has to say about it.

I had a really fun beach walk and breakfast with a Mormon friend of mine recently and she did mention that some members think that I am "very mean to Mormons". For the umpteenth time I am anti-Mormon not anti-Mormons ... and there IS a difference as much as many Mormons like to argue that they and their religion are one, well that's nice for you but no-one else sees it that way. I can hate your religion but LOVE you. Do you still love me? - even though I am a sinner/apostate/fallen star etc etc - (those are pretty personal accusations!) remember you are required to love your enemies; I am not under this obligation but I do it anyway, funny that.

One Love

I have joined blackbikini and greenbikini together as I don't feel the need to separate the two any longer. My dark, light and grey-scale personality flares seem to be safely coexisting.

An update on yesterdays post. Communication has resumed; my internal sky doesn't look as gloomy as it did yesterday.  I went out with the girls last night (outdoor movie, picnic under the pine trees, Danish movie ) and I feel generally more energised and able to cope.

The movie also alerted me to my own bloody selfishness! My life is a dream compared to the struggles of so many people (and animals) on our planet.

ONE Love.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Can I eat raspberries then? raspberries! please?!!

One week ago I read a book called 'Skinny Bitch' . The very next day I was vegan. Extreme? Yes.

I seem to have a habit for running headlong into big-ass schemes regardless off the financial, emotional, physical etc costs. Especially when it comes to health. It all made so much sense at the time. Hell, it still does. But since then I have been bombarded with extreme views every which way to the point that I have no freaking clue how to feed myself anymore!

No dairy.

No meat.

No sugar.

No alcohol. (Duh.... or should I say Doh!)

No grains!!!

What the hell is left?!

I bought a vegan cook book and spent $350 at the supermarket/fruit&veg markets (and 4 hours!) buying the necessary items to survive without meat products. The kids basically hated the new diet. My older child had a good go at trying the food and I have to say that even my picky younger child tried hummus so it wasn't a total loss :) but yeah, stressful. There's nothing worse (well yes there is but I'm using hyperbole here) than slaving over a new meal only to be met at the dinner table by screwed up little faces followed by empty little stomachs :(

I lasted 3 days.

The next day I had icecream... and you know, it really didn't taste all that great but then again I've never been a huge fan of icecream.

Now I am figuring out how to use that $350 of vegan food!

The term I have come to feel more affinity with is 'conscious omnivore' or 'ethical omnivore'. I first read about it on an excellent blog written by Chandelle. She recently returned to omnivorism after 4 years as a vegan and 4 years before that as a vegetarian. Her story is well worth a read. I first read it when I was not interested in veganism. Day 3 into veganism I thought I'd better read it again. The second time round I was struck by her devotion to all life - human, animal and plant, even the planet itself. By adopting a more conscious attitude toward food choices whether they be meat or plant products it would seem that there is far more that we can do for the planet and for ourselves by looking at food items individually and sourcing the best that we can based on our own location and the foods that are produced near us.

Just tonight I came across this article at the Huffington Post that nicely lays out a whole bunch of the arguments for "Meat or No Meat". A very sound article if I may say. I have once again done the wide swing to the left and to the right only to come back to the place I regularly try to remind myself that I like to be and that is a place of balance. I have the rest of my life to make changes one by one to my diet based on sound evidence and scientific enquiry, not to mention a bit of common sense. Everything in moderation, including moderation eh!

So with my little vegan freak out I would like to acknowledge the things that I have learned. I have learned that I need to (want to) be more selective when choosing meat products - organic and raw and top quality for my belly; cruelty-free for my animal friends. I have learned that veganism can be great for a detox! I have learned that I want to be more conscious of what I am eating. Is it really food? where did it come from? how are the animals treated? I really want to build that chicken coop we were talking about and get some egg-laying beauties to shower our love upon.

Finally, I (re-)learned that food can be just like religion. We can tend to get so caught up in our own beliefs about food that we shut others out with our firm stances and exclusive rhetoric. I am glad to have learned once again to take myself a little less seriously and to find the path that best suits me, not the person next to me but ME.

My summer reading list?