I am??? ... I am you. and you are me.

Time to check in. 

I want to say something. This 'coming to terms with my own mortality thing'? ... um...........

...it's not that fucking easy! 

There, I said it. 

I never never never want back 'in' to the Mormon church, or any church, but (yes, but!)  god damn I wish there were something after this life! I do, I really do. I don't want that prick of a Mormon god's idea of heaven, nor anything like unto it. I want my girls and my guys with me forever. I want endless forever. I want peace and joy and passion and ecstasy for everyone. I want someone to fucking wipe the memories of anyone who was ever abused! the bad memories only and only the ones we want wiped. I know, I know! not possible, how would something like that work? I don't bloody know but isn't that the point of a next life? there would be some kind of eye-opening epiphany where we'd be able to do all kinds of things we never thought were possible. 

Grrrrrrrr!

So. Back to reality. 

Possibly the number one benefit of waking from my 31 year slumber is my new-found ability to live in the present moment. I've experienced a lot of pain in the last 2 years. I don't care to share right now; well you've been along for the ride anyway. Pain and joy, just about equally matched I'd say. I have a lot of questions. My mind is pretty much constantly mulling things over. It gets to be a bit much. Anyway, the point that I wanted to get to was that I have noticed that I quite regularly catch myself in a situation that is... well, crap really - and I start to feel like shit and I feed that negative feeling BUT then (to my great relief) I am very quickly reminded of my mortality and the uselessness of dwelling on shit and I snap into  a sharp and bright sense of my surroundings, my present. It smells amazing! have you smelled it? it is so beautiful! have you seen it?!!! and the sound! the taste! seriously, I know this all sounds like drivel right now but try and see it! Fark! We are alive! AaaaaaaaH, actually breathing and moving and feeling and thinking and loving and singing and feeling feeling feeling, did I say feeling?!!!!

My dad was probably right (godammit!) when he said that I am a very emotionally driven person. I think that in the past I channelled that emotion to god and now I am working with that erm handicap(?) to find a way to be passionate and brave but also reasonable and coherent. I love the rush that I feel when I throw myself headlong into something that I feel strongly about. I don't care about getting hurt (before I get hurt that is), if I think something is worth fighting for then you're going to fucking see a fight! So I get hurt. Yup. Mmm. Yes I do. And I like the pain too, bcOs then I feel alive. I imagine people who self-harm feel this kind of rush. I suppose I emotionally self-harm. BUT if I think it is worth it then i will do it again and again and again. Like I said, that way I know I'm alive. 

ALIVE! 

I've tried a few substances in the last year or so. I've enjoyed, it I won't lie. BUT the biggest fucking rush of all is life itself. The power within each of us. The energy/love/? inside each of us is freaking amazing. And when we share it, when we use it... it increases exponentially!

Ok. Yeah I sound a bit erm.... yeah that. 

BUT I feel (yes FEEL) overcome by my yearning to connect with as many people as I can in my one 'for-sure' life. You are me and I am you. What connects us? 

No more walls. No more divide. We are ONE. 

I prescribe MORE FUN!!! Take at least 3 times a day.

Canaan has had excema on and off since he was born. We used the steroid creams prescribed by our GP which were successful in making the redness go away if used consistently... however the steroid creams themselves have side effects and I was never very happy nor comfortable about using them. We considered other factors in treating his excema. We tried changing his diet. We tried every available type of moisturiser, bath oil and non-soap cleanser. Then he kind of just grew out of it. By the time he started Kindy we only rarely had an outbreak of excema so we would just use the steroids again and get on with things.

6 months ago his excema flared up again and boy was it angry looking. We started using the steroid creams again but this time the excema just kept getting worse. Finally I took him to a Naturopath. They used iridology to assess that he was low in Zinc and that his gut was not functioning properly. So we bought a Zinc supplement and a probiotic. We stopped using the steroid creams. His excema seemed to get 'less angry' but it started to spread. It had started on the backs of his knees and the inner elbows. Now it was on his face and torso as well.

Next stop, my dad. When I was about 10 my dad had been given 2 months to live. He had cancer. He looked around and got into kinesiology. 20 years later he is a fit and healthy Grandad to 4 (nearly 5!) grand children. So I called him and he said to bring Canaan over straight after school. He used his skills in kinesiology to ask Canaan's body (or his body's 'computer') many questions. Dad said that the main cause for his excema was emotional. He asked more questions (not out loud, so Canaan didn't hear any of this, dad discussed it with me later) and discovered that Canaan was experiencing stress at home in his relationship with his mum and dad. Yep me and Toby. We were being too strict and Canaan needed more freedom. Wow.

Dad gave us an Iron supplement and a prescription for MORE FUN!

One week later and Canaan's excema has calmed down considerably. We are all very happy with these results as well as the special medicine that we decided to share with the whole family. MORE FUN!