I am??? ... I am you. and you are me.

Time to check in. 

I want to say something. This 'coming to terms with my own mortality thing'? ... um...........

...it's not that fucking easy! 

There, I said it. 

I never never never want back 'in' to the Mormon church, or any church, but (yes, but!)  god damn I wish there were something after this life! I do, I really do. I don't want that prick of a Mormon god's idea of heaven, nor anything like unto it. I want my girls and my guys with me forever. I want endless forever. I want peace and joy and passion and ecstasy for everyone. I want someone to fucking wipe the memories of anyone who was ever abused! the bad memories only and only the ones we want wiped. I know, I know! not possible, how would something like that work? I don't bloody know but isn't that the point of a next life? there would be some kind of eye-opening epiphany where we'd be able to do all kinds of things we never thought were possible. 

Grrrrrrrr!

So. Back to reality. 

Possibly the number one benefit of waking from my 31 year slumber is my new-found ability to live in the present moment. I've experienced a lot of pain in the last 2 years. I don't care to share right now; well you've been along for the ride anyway. Pain and joy, just about equally matched I'd say. I have a lot of questions. My mind is pretty much constantly mulling things over. It gets to be a bit much. Anyway, the point that I wanted to get to was that I have noticed that I quite regularly catch myself in a situation that is... well, crap really - and I start to feel like shit and I feed that negative feeling BUT then (to my great relief) I am very quickly reminded of my mortality and the uselessness of dwelling on shit and I snap into  a sharp and bright sense of my surroundings, my present. It smells amazing! have you smelled it? it is so beautiful! have you seen it?!!! and the sound! the taste! seriously, I know this all sounds like drivel right now but try and see it! Fark! We are alive! AaaaaaaaH, actually breathing and moving and feeling and thinking and loving and singing and feeling feeling feeling, did I say feeling?!!!!

My dad was probably right (godammit!) when he said that I am a very emotionally driven person. I think that in the past I channelled that emotion to god and now I am working with that erm handicap(?) to find a way to be passionate and brave but also reasonable and coherent. I love the rush that I feel when I throw myself headlong into something that I feel strongly about. I don't care about getting hurt (before I get hurt that is), if I think something is worth fighting for then you're going to fucking see a fight! So I get hurt. Yup. Mmm. Yes I do. And I like the pain too, bcOs then I feel alive. I imagine people who self-harm feel this kind of rush. I suppose I emotionally self-harm. BUT if I think it is worth it then i will do it again and again and again. Like I said, that way I know I'm alive. 

ALIVE! 

I've tried a few substances in the last year or so. I've enjoyed, it I won't lie. BUT the biggest fucking rush of all is life itself. The power within each of us. The energy/love/? inside each of us is freaking amazing. And when we share it, when we use it... it increases exponentially!

Ok. Yeah I sound a bit erm.... yeah that. 

BUT I feel (yes FEEL) overcome by my yearning to connect with as many people as I can in my one 'for-sure' life. You are me and I am you. What connects us? 

No more walls. No more divide. We are ONE. 

A New Way

After leaving the Mormon church I must say that I felt more than a little bit lost as to all those big questions, you know... the existential crisis and all that. All of a sudden everything was called into question (including my own sanity). What does my marriage mean do me? Was it a mistake to stay out of the workforce while raising my children? Do people think that I am ridiculous? Was I in a bloody cult all this time? Am I really in a giant rat-race? Are environmentalists doomsayers? When I die am I just dead and that 's it?? Am I scared of death now? ..... and the questions go on.

Mentor said somewhere here on blackbikini that "...dealing with our mortality is one of the jobs of adulthood, and Christianity prevents people from ever mastering that task."

So the questions are a good thing then. I know that when I was teaching high school I was so happy when the students would ask questions because then I knew that they were learning (or at least open to learning). It made the day so much more interesting and I usually learned something myself from their inquisitiveness.

So where am I going with all of this?

I have heard somewhere that in order to remove something undesirable from your life that you need (or at least it helps) to replace it with something positive. Rockstar and I recently watched some Zeitgeist movies. Now, whilst I am wary of pretty much any movement or group in my fragile post cult condition; I was also very affected by what I saw. The Venus Project (check out this interesting blog for a more objective view) was talked about as a possible solution for harmonising human interests with the earths own health. There is certainly a lot to consider when looking at ideas such as these but I was motivated to make some changes of my own. I am going to use my other blog greenbikini to explore this new journey. So visit me there if you like...I would love to hear all of your suggestions, comments, ideas about the kinds of things you are doing or would like to do for our planet and our children.