Friday, July 8, 2011

I am??? ... I am you. and you are me.

Time to check in. 

I want to say something. This 'coming to terms with my own mortality thing'? ... um...........'s not that fucking easy! 

There, I said it. 

I never never never want back 'in' to the Mormon church, or any church, but (yes, but!)  god damn I wish there were something after this life! I do, I really do. I don't want that prick of a Mormon god's idea of heaven, nor anything like unto it. I want my girls and my guys with me forever. I want endless forever. I want peace and joy and passion and ecstasy for everyone. I want someone to fucking wipe the memories of anyone who was ever abused! the bad memories only and only the ones we want wiped. I know, I know! not possible, how would something like that work? I don't bloody know but isn't that the point of a next life? there would be some kind of eye-opening epiphany where we'd be able to do all kinds of things we never thought were possible. 


So. Back to reality. 

Possibly the number one benefit of waking from my 31 year slumber is my new-found ability to live in the present moment. I've experienced a lot of pain in the last 2 years. I don't care to share right now; well you've been along for the ride anyway. Pain and joy, just about equally matched I'd say. I have a lot of questions. My mind is pretty much constantly mulling things over. It gets to be a bit much. Anyway, the point that I wanted to get to was that I have noticed that I quite regularly catch myself in a situation that is... well, crap really - and I start to feel like shit and I feed that negative feeling BUT then (to my great relief) I am very quickly reminded of my mortality and the uselessness of dwelling on shit and I snap into  a sharp and bright sense of my surroundings, my present. It smells amazing! have you smelled it? it is so beautiful! have you seen it?!!! and the sound! the taste! seriously, I know this all sounds like drivel right now but try and see it! Fark! We are alive! AaaaaaaaH, actually breathing and moving and feeling and thinking and loving and singing and feeling feeling feeling, did I say feeling?!!!!
My dad was probably right (godammit!) when he said that I am a very emotionally driven person. I think that in the past I channelled that emotion to god and now I am working with that erm handicap(?) to find a way to be passionate and brave but also reasonable and coherent. I love the rush that I feel when I throw myself headlong into something that I feel strongly about. I don't care about getting hurt (before I get hurt that is), if I think something is worth fighting for then you're going to fucking see a fight! So I get hurt. Yup. Mmm. Yes I do. And I like the pain too, bcOs then I feel alive. I imagine people who self-harm feel this kind of rush. I suppose I emotionally self-harm. BUT if I think it is worth it then i will do it again and again and again. Like I said, that way I know I'm alive. 


I've tried a few substances in the last year or so. I've enjoyed, it I won't lie. BUT the biggest fucking rush of all is life itself. The power within each of us. The energy/love/? inside each of us is freaking amazing. And when we share it, when we use it... it increases exponentially!

Ok. Yeah I sound a bit erm.... yeah that. 

BUT I feel (yes FEEL) overcome by my yearning to connect with as many people as I can in my one 'for-sure' life. You are me and I am you. What connects us? 

No more walls. No more divide. We are ONE. 


  1. I was very worried about my 30-something son after he called me yesterday to unload how screwed up his life is now. Seriously screwed up. Talking helped, he hooked up with some friends and felt a bit better. When I read this latest post of yours I felt he needed to read it, too. He loved it.
    Thank you for continuing to write. You are making a difference. (I'll be anonymous this time, but only because of his need for privacy. I read every post you write after finding you on FMH.)

  2. Maureen, I totally get this!
    "god damn I wish there were something after this life! I do, I really do."
    After believing so strongly for your whole life (up to 32yo for me) that there is something MORE after this life it is really, really hard to accept that there is not, or at a minimum that there is nothing anyone can be certain about (no matter how loudly some may profess that they know), and indeed there is nothing that seems plausible post mortem.
    I love your response to this realisation - to just be in the moment and really live it for all it is worth.
    Carpe Diem sister!

  3. Hi Anonymous and Son :D - I am so happy that my ramblings helped you feel better about life. Realising that this life may be the only one we have has really brought the beauty of it into such a sharp focus. I also know that these days so many people struggle to mentally/emotionally cope with our crazy world (I have had bouts of depression myself) and I am becoming aware of just how much everyone needs friends and love and smiles and hi-5s and hugs! This life has so much to offer us and I just really want to make to most of it and help as many people as I can to find the same joy in life. Big virtual hugs from me to both of you!

    It really helps me to hear your feedback too since mostly I know that I feel better when I write but it's nice to know that it is helping other people too :)

    Hi Mandy :) - It has taken me a while to really notice this fascinating world around me. I think I got a glimpse of it when I first 'came out' but then went through some dark times where I was too tired and hurt to see the beauty and now I am so happy to be in a place where hurtful comments and actions are really rolling off my back and I am just hooked and mesmerised instead by the possibilities that this life holds. So exciting. xo

    mack - :P xo

  4. Wait, you mean there shouldn't be any manner of -ites and we should be one? Why does that sound familiar?

  5. Yup, JS seemed to have a thing for uniting people.

    Unfortunately though his legacy has produced a culture of "we are the one true church" and people who leave that church are regularly ostracised and shunned even by close family members. And this occurs in the face of the LDS religions insistence that they are 'family friendly'. Not everyone does this, but many do.

    This is something that I am hoping to start working on in the near future. I want to bring awareness to this issue that occurs between Mormons and ex-Mormons where there can be very bad feeling and loss of familial ties. I want to look into ways to shed light on the issue and how to heal the rift between the two groups. Obviously preserving the beliefs of each side but finding ways to connect and communicate as friends without a persons beliefs being 'on the line'.

    Hmmmm. Lots to think about and a big task but well worth it I think.