I am??? ... I am you. and you are me.

Time to check in. 

I want to say something. This 'coming to terms with my own mortality thing'? ... um...........

...it's not that fucking easy! 

There, I said it. 

I never never never want back 'in' to the Mormon church, or any church, but (yes, but!)  god damn I wish there were something after this life! I do, I really do. I don't want that prick of a Mormon god's idea of heaven, nor anything like unto it. I want my girls and my guys with me forever. I want endless forever. I want peace and joy and passion and ecstasy for everyone. I want someone to fucking wipe the memories of anyone who was ever abused! the bad memories only and only the ones we want wiped. I know, I know! not possible, how would something like that work? I don't bloody know but isn't that the point of a next life? there would be some kind of eye-opening epiphany where we'd be able to do all kinds of things we never thought were possible. 

Grrrrrrrr!

So. Back to reality. 

Possibly the number one benefit of waking from my 31 year slumber is my new-found ability to live in the present moment. I've experienced a lot of pain in the last 2 years. I don't care to share right now; well you've been along for the ride anyway. Pain and joy, just about equally matched I'd say. I have a lot of questions. My mind is pretty much constantly mulling things over. It gets to be a bit much. Anyway, the point that I wanted to get to was that I have noticed that I quite regularly catch myself in a situation that is... well, crap really - and I start to feel like shit and I feed that negative feeling BUT then (to my great relief) I am very quickly reminded of my mortality and the uselessness of dwelling on shit and I snap into  a sharp and bright sense of my surroundings, my present. It smells amazing! have you smelled it? it is so beautiful! have you seen it?!!! and the sound! the taste! seriously, I know this all sounds like drivel right now but try and see it! Fark! We are alive! AaaaaaaaH, actually breathing and moving and feeling and thinking and loving and singing and feeling feeling feeling, did I say feeling?!!!!

My dad was probably right (godammit!) when he said that I am a very emotionally driven person. I think that in the past I channelled that emotion to god and now I am working with that erm handicap(?) to find a way to be passionate and brave but also reasonable and coherent. I love the rush that I feel when I throw myself headlong into something that I feel strongly about. I don't care about getting hurt (before I get hurt that is), if I think something is worth fighting for then you're going to fucking see a fight! So I get hurt. Yup. Mmm. Yes I do. And I like the pain too, bcOs then I feel alive. I imagine people who self-harm feel this kind of rush. I suppose I emotionally self-harm. BUT if I think it is worth it then i will do it again and again and again. Like I said, that way I know I'm alive. 

ALIVE! 

I've tried a few substances in the last year or so. I've enjoyed, it I won't lie. BUT the biggest fucking rush of all is life itself. The power within each of us. The energy/love/? inside each of us is freaking amazing. And when we share it, when we use it... it increases exponentially!

Ok. Yeah I sound a bit erm.... yeah that. 

BUT I feel (yes FEEL) overcome by my yearning to connect with as many people as I can in my one 'for-sure' life. You are me and I am you. What connects us? 

No more walls. No more divide. We are ONE. 

Grandparents

My maternal grandmother (Granny) passed away this morning. She went peacefully in a lovely aged care facility with her two daughters by her bedside. I am so happy for her. I don't know what the next life holds for any of us but I feel that she has moved on to some exciting new adventure. I imagine her young and vibrant again, like the sassy girl I saw dressed in military uniform in old black and white photos. Oh and there's lots of green grass and sunshine in my imaginary world for her. That is the beauty of freedom. I can choose whatever reality I would like to imagine her in and boom! there she is having a great time. No-one can tell me otherwise because there are no authorities on the afterlife.

Tobys grandfather passed away about 2 weeks ago now. Toby has had a difficult time processing this. He has been grieving deeply and has let out a lot of pent up emotions. It has also been tough for me to watch him dealing with so many emotions all at once. I think that our society does not allow men enough space to show emotion throughout their lives; so that when men do hit a big emotional spot they get a bit overwhelmed. Toby also had to deal with some unpleasant religious attitudes at the time which did not help him at all. I won't elaborate as that would be his story to tell if he wants to. He probably won't though. That is why my advice to any ex-mo's who are thinking about blogging would be to go with an anonymous blog; then you can talk about the things that you really need to get off your chest!

My maternal grandfather and my paternal grandmother passed on a couple of years ago now within days of each other! How interesting is that.

My memories of my maternal grandfather (Grandad) include admiring the model airplanes (check out yellow one in photo below) that he made out of glass bottles, tin and alluminium and him walking around the garden with his cigarettes, taking a 'breather' from family politics. He was from Cornwall, England and so was rather on the shorter end in terms of height (a trait I have inherited), he also had one leg a bit longer than the other and so my memories are of a cute little grandad with his trademark hobble pottering around with a glint in his eye getting on with the business of seeing beauty in everyday things.

My paternal grandmother lived in England. I saw her once when I was about 5, she and grandad came to Australia to live with us for a few months. I was then lucky enough to visit her in England when I was 18. My paternal grandfather had passed away the year before. I remember (or maybe I just remember being told about it?) sitting on his knee and listening to his awesome crazy grandad stories. He was tall and wore cool hats. My Granny was another sassy woman. I remember one evening we were all supposed to be doing some kind of fun activity but everyone was waiting for me to finish up with the dishes (hang on a minute, I was 5!!! hmmm, time to get my kids onto it) and she came in and plonked all of the cutlery onto the sink and went swish swish swish and then pulled them out again and put them on the draining board and said "that's how you do it" (or something similar) Hahahahaha, thanks Granny.

I am now grandparent-less. I loved knowing all of them and I cherish my memories of them no matter how skewed they are by time. I will be sure to remember them often and to draw upon my memories of them to help me here in my life. I love you Granny, Granny, Grandad and Grandad xxxx

How to improve your mood

Every 3 months or so I like to indulge and visit a Day Spa for a massage or treatment of some kind. When you arrive they give you a short form to fill out with questions about how you are feeling, what you would like to gain from the massage, what type of oil you would like them to use and how firm you would like the pressure to be.

I usually end up ticking the same boxes every time - Mood: sad, tired, nervous. Desired outcome: Stress relief, relaxation. Oil - relaxing lavender. Pressure: light/medium.

Today I had a very pleasant surprise. I ticked - Mood: happy, excited, contented. Desired outcome: re-energising, improve health and well-being. Oil - Uplifting. Pressure - Firm.

I was so proud of myself as I realised that my improved mood was directly related to the recent changes that I have made in my life. I feel in control, light, happy and peaceful. It is exhilarating. I struggled with post-natal depression after giving birth to my last child and I have never really felt free of that burdensome feeling until now.

I have noticed other positive changes. I had also been holding onto about 5kg of weight since my last pregnancy and I just couldn't seem to shift it no matter what I did. I even remember describing the fat around my belly as the sadness in me that I had not let go of. Now I believe that I was dead right. That fat did represent my sadness. In the last 6 months I have shed those 5 kg and I feel great.

So for improved mood I recommend freeing yourself from whatever it is that controls you. For me it was religion. For you it might be television, the internet, a strict gym routine, unsatisfying work situation, the list is likely an endless one. Be kind to yourself and allow for changes to your routines. Eliminate 'should' from your life. I am finding that as I think and act from a place that is more kind and flexible that I am gaining motivation, joy and energy. It is a wondrous experience.