Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Shut the Fuck Up!

I'm talking to myself. 

A friend complimented me recently saying that I have an 'open heart'. I like this description and I do want to keep things that way. However, I feel that I need to build some kind of fortifications as well as learn the art of concealment. I tell people waaaaay too much about myself (having a blog kind of adds to that). I really like being open and honest with people but I think that I am being too trusting and naive in thinking that everyone I speak to will treat me well. 

I think part of the problem is that I hate silences, especially on the phone. Ugh, the phone. If the other person is silent for more than a second then I feel compelled to fill in the space; usually with some kind of idiotic blabbering. So I try and avoid the phone. Texting and emailing are my favourite ways to communicate, that is, if it is not possible to speak to someone in person. I am pretty good in person with people that I know. I still suffer from bouts of verbal diarrhea but not as bad as on the phone and certainly not as often. Plus you've got body language and eye contact etc to help you out. Even better is if you can add a third or fourth person to the conversation... takes the pressure off. 

My underdevelopment in this social area has lead to a few problems lately. I have blabbered out information that, whilst I haven't leaked anyone's secrets, I have said more than was wise and I have seen more than a few people hurt by my big mouth over the last few months. Most recently I stuffed up on facebook. I was trying to help out a new friend but in the process I hurt some other friends. If any of my friends from, well... they'll know who they are, read this then I hope you can forgive me and maybe even welcome me back after some time has passed. I need to learn how to keep peoples information safe before I think of returning to that group. It really woke me up though. I was being careless with other people's information and privacy and I couldn't see the danger. Now that's it's all done I can see all too clearly how I stuffed up and I am really annoyed at myself for being so irresponsible and selfish. 

I've been thinking about it a lot today. I can see where I came undone and it is something that Rockstar has pointed out about me before. I get quite incensed over any injustices that I think have occurred and I think I forge ahead; acting on emotion and being blinded by it. Whilst I admire my own courage to stick up for others; I do recognise that I need to take stock of my emotional responses and hopefully harness the courage and 'open-heartedness' for good. 

Now I've probably gone and said too much again. How about a 30-day challenge of silence! 


  1. I'm obviously not in your circle of acquaintances so I don't know what the hell you're talking about specifically. But the whole PHONE thing I TOTALLY GET. I'm the exact same way. I Hate communicating on the phone.

    And get this... I'm a salesperson, so I have to spend a LOT of time on the phone. I also have to do a lot of WebEx demonstrations where I share my desktop and speak on the phone... I HATE them. I would much rather drive 4 hours, waste the entire day to meet the potential client in person than to do a WebEx phone meeting.

    I thought I was the only person in the world that had this phone phobia... or whatever you call it. In business, I'm less than effective on the phone because I will also provide too much information during the gaps and silences... just like on personal calls... can you say over-sharing?

    I just spent an hour last night on the phone with someone I really like who had called me...and I regurgitated all this info about my divorce, financial situtaion..blah, blah blabber... I'd NEVER do that in person. What's wrong with me?

    Hopefully your friends give you the benefit of the doubt and forgive you.

  2. Oh yeah! It is a real problem. Whenever I try to leave the gaps there and wait for the other person to fill it in it feels like for-eeeever! I think that it might have something to do with me being a bit highly strung and in need of more relaxation/meditation. Deep breaths before a phone call. Mental notes that I am perfect as I am and that I don't need to impress anybody. I'm sure a therapist would have plenty to say to me.

    Great to see you hear primal-screamer xo